My Bubbled Mess

Never underestimate the strength of this woman...

2010-12-09T18:25:00.001-05:00

Where do I start... let's start with my first memory of her... I remember the day they brought her home from the hospital, she was so tiny and i remember her mom walking down Granny's hallway with her all bundled up, a beautiful little package, and we gathered around Granny's table and looked at her... and i was in awe... I am certain that it was the newness of her that brought about those feelings on that day but over time she has been proven that indeed she was, and is, a beautiful little package. There is just something uniquely special about her.

I have had many different feelings about her over the years... when the newness of her wore off i don't remember feeling that she was all that great... and eventually i felt a bit of jealousy towards her. It would seem that i wasn't the only one who thought she was great... she quickly became my Aunt Jeannette's favorite and they developed a bond that would sometimes leave you feeling a bit confused... she didn't call her Aunt Jeannette, she called her MommaNette. When she would speak of her mom in conversation I would have to stop her and ask which one she was talking about.

That's about the only thing that has ever been confusing about her though, she doesn't mind telling you exactly how she feels and exactly what is on her mind. She is a good representation of her MommaNette in that aspect. When she was in elementary school i thought she was a brat... always had to have her way and a little bit mouthy... i can remember thinking that she would never make many friends if she kept it up... boy was i wrong...

She grew out of that bratty stage, thankfully :), but the one thing that has never changed about her is her beauty... she is probably one of the most beautiful women i know. And her beauty is a rarity because she doesn't have to work at it... it is completely natural. Though i am speaking of her outward appearance she is even more beautiful on the inside (if that's at all possible)... she is that beautiful little package i spoke of before.

And she's a complex little package at that... she possess a strength that is unmeasurable... she is fierce and loyal... she is dedicated and determined... She has grown from that bratty little girl who i wasn't sure about into one of the most unselfish, caring people i know. I am not saying that she is all sunshine and roses because i know for certain that she is not (she is a Malcomb after all...) but i don't know of a time when i have ever needed her that she wasn't there. And lately she has been there for a little bit of everyone.

I am not sure that she ever takes any time for herself, you never see her alone... she always has a little head of dirty blond curls in tow... Knowing her as i do i would have never thought that i would see the day when another individual would dominate her life, but that is exactly what has happened... with the birth of her daughter. I was a little scared for her when she decided to have a baby, wasn't sure that she was pliable enough to have a little one in her life... a little scared for her to be perfectly honest... remember what i said about her needing to have things her own way... if you have kids you know that goes straight out the window... but once again i was wrong... she is one of the best mothers i know. She is the perfect balance of love and structure and her daughter is just as beautiful as she is, both inside and out... (though she looks like she was picked out of her daddy's butt...)

I am not telling you all about her for any special reason, i just thought it was time for her to know how great i think she is and how truly blessed i am that she is a part of my life... i was in awe of her as a baby and i still think she is awesome today... Tiffany Sue Armentrout!

As my cousin, my friend, my sister, i love you!

Never underestimate the strength of a woman... we will stand even when the world is falling down around us!

It's the little things...

2010-09-17T15:18:00.001-04:00

...this was waiting for me this morning on the counter when i got up...

from Michael..

and then i went outside to water the plants and found these little cuties...

from Daddy and Molly

I named them Peter and Pattie

and to further brighten my day this little lovely has been around all day...

a little gift from mother nature...

It doesn't have to be a guesture of great effort and

yet it still can have the same effect...

the feeling that you are loved and important...

My birthday present...

2010-09-17T12:20:00.004-04:00

... on this day many years ago i was given a gift... a gift from my parents... a gift that it has taken me years to realize and sometimes takes great efforts to appreciate, but no less a gift

...my mom and my daddy will call me in the morning to wish me a happy birthday and tell me that i am loved and i will be very thankful... thankful for not only this day, but everyday that has passed and everyday that is to come... thankful for the love they once shared and the gift they gave me 39 years ago...

...this crazyawesomebeautiful life!!!

An Unselfish, Complete Love...

2010-09-14T17:56:00.000-04:00

All things within this fading world hath end,
Adversity doth still our joys attend;
No ties so strong, no friends so dear and sweet,
But with death's parting blow is sure to meet.
The sentence past is most irrevocable,
A common thing, yet oh, inevitable.
How soon, my Dear, death may my steps attend.
How soon't may be thy lot to lose thy friend,
We both are ignorant, yet love bids me
These farewell lines to recommend to thee,
That when that knot's untied that made us one,
I may seem thine, who in effect am none.
And if I see not half my days that's due,
What nature would, God grant to yours and you;
The many faults that well you know I have
Let be interred in my oblivious grave;
If any worth or virtue were in me,
Let that live freshly in thy memory
And when thou feel'st no grief, as I no harms,
Yet love thy dead, who long lay in thine arms.
And when thy loss shall be repaid with gains
Look to my little babes, my dear remains.
And if thou love thyself, or loved'st me,
These O protect from step-dame's injury.
And if chance to thine eyes shall bring this verse,
With some sad sighs honour my absent hearse;
And kiss this paper for thy love's dear sake,
Who with salt tears this last farewell did take.
Anne Bradstreet

This reading was one of the most beautiful things i have ever experienced. Written for her husband in case she didn't make it through childbirth... their love was a rare thing for a marriage in the 1600s. I sat in class today and was almost in tears... call me sappy...

Who said nothing good happens after midnight?

2010-07-07T22:33:00.000-04:00

At 12:01am on July 20 there will be a joyous event happening on Court Street in Woodstock, VA!!! If i could get away with a marching band and parade i would certainly be planning it... balloons would be released and confetti would fall from the sky... there would be clowns and circus acts... and a fireworks display that would make Walt Disney jealous!!!!

None of that of course is going to happen but what is going to happen will be just as wonderful, if not more...

At 12:01am a new journey will begin... for a changed person... she is spiritually different ~ she is physically different ~ she is situationally different... yet she is the same person that left us 10 months ago... she is beautiful and loyal, funny and witty... she is a good cook and a wonderful mommy!!! (read this post...)

At 12:01am the end to a long, challenging 10 months will finally be here... and my mom can go back to celebrating holidays ~ she has been "presently absent"... my Dad can get a good night's sleep and reclaim his Saturday afternoons... sisters can hug sisters and more campfire memories will be made ~ turkey heads in place... friends can catch up with friends... and i can finally get back to being the "nice mommy"!!! (read this post ...)

But the most joyous of events that will take place at 12:01am are not the ones that can be seen or heard... only felt... by little hearts... the broken will begin to heal and the lost will find its way home and the littlest of them all will fall in love, again...

At 12:01am on July 20...my sister is coming home!!!

And if we thought 10 months was a long time, the last 12 days are going to take forever...

Litte Miss Hannie's latest post...

2010-07-07T20:20:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite people is my niece, Miss Hannah Dove... she also blogs and though i have known her since birth i have learned much about her over the past year via her blog posts... she is very creative, started her own community on blogfrog (with 69 members!!! ~ very proud of her), has great drive, an awesome view on life and as an added bonus, she is an awesome photographer... and i just wanted to share a little bit of her with you so you too can see how wonderful she is...

and she talks about me in this post, about how awesome i am... actually she doesn't mention my awesome-ness at all but i am sure that it is implied... :-)

The Key to Me: Early Mornings and Holiday Recaps

...remember how i mentioned she was creative... she made the barrett she has in her hair in the pics... she is supposed to make me a few ~ hint, hint!!! i love them...

On again...

2010-07-07T09:18:00.002-04:00

I have been absent from my blog for awhile now... but have been getting the "itch" to get back into it and so i put it back online... for those of you who are new to my blog, please "look" around... for those of you who are returning visitors, a new post is coming soon...

i have alot on my mind :-)

Prom Season is here... Round 1 Pics

2010-04-18T00:08:00.000-04:00

Round 1

Kasey's Prom ~ Central High School

Logan ~ he knew he looked good... and he liked it... can you tell?

Mr. Cool "broke" his tie... we had to go buy one at the last minute...

Thankful he chose a black vest.

Logan and Devin ~ If you ain't first you're last...

You can dress em up.... but their rednecks still shine through...

Devin

Definitely an improvement from the bib overalls...

I would give almost anything for a picture of Logan's face when he saw Kasey...

he was speechless... (to be honest, i was a little speechless also...)

Gorgeous!!!

Does he look proud? I think so...

Round 2

Logan's Prom ~ Strasburg High School ~ May 8

1 Week Old...

2010-04-15T16:42:00.000-04:00

Our babies are a week old today... they are vocal, mobile, and have their eyes open...

and i believe they are all girls... aren't they cute...

Good Morning!...

2010-04-12T10:13:00.000-04:00

This is what i found on the refrigerator this morning... from my daughter... her comedic response to several conversations we had this weekend...

Yesterday we talked about responsibility... Morgan is 15 and now has a boyfriend... i am ok with that but along with being adult enough to have a boyfriend comes adult responsibilites... i explained those responsibilities to her... and this is her take on it...

(notice how she signed it with her brother's name...)

Another big topic of conversation in our house is Michael's beard... he is growing it out in support of the Washington Capitals and the Beard-A-Thon - Grow One For the Team... he is about 4 or 5 weeks into it and is starting to look a little caveman-ish... i don't think it would look so bad if he had some hair on his head but he doesn't... voluntarily, he is bald... Morgan drew his caricature, with hair... i love it...

and i love it that she drew him with stars in his eyes... FOR ME :-)

This is the stuff that "Good Morning!" is made of...

Whadya Think?

2010-04-09T09:40:00.000-04:00

I think that if i was forced to do this...

while in front of this...

while dressed like this...

i might have a better chance of making it to this...

Kittens

2010-04-08T10:27:00.000-04:00

Back in November, before we left the townhouse, two stray cats adopted us... neither was friendly enough to allow us to get close to them but they did however require that we provide them food and water as they stood at the back door and let it be known that they were hungry... not sure why they choose us to be their host family but they did... and we are...

When we left the townhouse in December there was a big discussion on whether they would make the move with us... Michael is allergic to cats but he was the biggest supporter of this idea... i left it up to him and the kids to get them to the new house... now that was an adventure... good thing it was only about a mile between the two places...

There is a gray cat and a calico cat... in the beginning it was thought that they were both male... Michael has a weird affinity for giving things weird names, especially animals... you can't name anything cute little names like Fluffy or Daisy... or even cool names like Evie or Rain... they have to have human names like John and Henry... which are the two names that he gave to the cats... when we found out that they were actually female cats their names changed to Johnetta and Henrietta...

With all the business of moving we have not/had not taken our new family members to the vet... (which we will...) but it was talked about that if we were keeping them (or them us...) that they need to be checked to see if they had been fixed or not...

too late... they weren't...

Both Henrietta and Johnetta got pregnant... they have been waddling around here for weeks... it has been interesting to watch and we have all been guessing as to when it would happen... Henrietta is the least friendly of the two... she will, on occasion, let you pet her... Johnetta on the other hand has become very friendly... i believe that she must have been a house cat at some point... last week she jumped on my lap and "kneaded" my chest for a long time... it was so cool... though i know they don't need me to deliver their babies it was kind of like she knew that i knew what she was going through...

Henrietta came up missing last week... we have looked everywhere for her... the last time i saw her i knew she would deliver soon as her whole back side was wet... i am hoping that she is ok... i was sure she would be back by now for food but we haven't seen her...

Johnetta has stuck around and yesterday as i was outside working she kept walking up to me and crying and then walking into the garage, turning back to look to see if i was following her... when i finally caught on to what she was doing i went with her... and she went to a specific place in the back corner of the garage, sat down and cried to me... when i would leave the garage she would follow me out and do the same thing again... she was letting me know that this was where she wanted to have her babies... i opened the space up for her as it was very confined and laid out some paper towels... she moved the towels around a bit and then laid down and seemed to be content but everytime i left her she cried and followed me... so i put a stool right next to her and sat down with her and rubbed her belly... it was the most awesome thing... she laid on her back and panted... we did this on and off all day yesterday...

At 10:30 last night she still hadn't had her babies and i went on to bed... by the time i woke up this morning i had missed it... like i said before i know she didn't need me but i am very sorry that she had them without me... i wish i would have stayed up to watch it happen and be there for her... when i sat down beside her she rolled over on her back with her legs stretched out and let me rub her belly... she wasn't possessive or protective of her little ones like i figured she would be... she was giving me permission to be there with her... when the kids came out to see she got a little more protective and moved the babies around to the corner and laid on top of them... her three little baby kittens...

I am not a big cat person so i am not sure why she choose me to be the one that she is sharing this experience with but i am glad she did...

Here are a few pics of them... they are a little raw so forgive me but i wanted to share...

Mother nature is fascinating...

Wordless Wednesday

2010-04-07T12:44:00.000-04:00

My Pretty!

(Pictures courtesy of Hannah Dove from The Key to Me...)

Braggy time...

2010-04-07T12:24:00.000-04:00

My mom has been at it again... and i was amazed... my mom is very artsy, fartsy... crafty and creative... through the years she has amazed me with some of the things she comes up with... a few months ago she started taking cake decorating classes... i was so proud of her for finally doing something for herself...

I posted about one of the first cakes with fondant (sp?) that she created a few months ago... look at it here... if i hadn't seen her put it together myself, at my house, i probably wouldn't have believed that she did it... it was just awesome... and now she has gone and done it again... she created this one last week...

(Pictures courtesy of Hannah Dove from The Key to Me...)

Michael and I have no plans to get married right now but it doesn't keep my mom from pushing the subject at all times... i told her after seeing this cake that it might just be incentive enough for us to consider a wedding... and she could make the cake... i love daisies...

My mom won't read my blog anymore... she says all i do is make her cry... but i really wish she would because then she could see that despite all of our differences...

I am very proud of her!!!

5 Question Friday

2010-04-02T11:59:00.000-04:00

It's Five Question Friday brought to us from http://www.fivecrookedhalos.blogspot.com/... this weeks questions weren't as fun (for me) as last weeks but anyway, here they are...

1. Do you sing out loud in the car when you're driving?

In the car, in the shower, around the house, outside working in the garden, taking a walk, with commercials... i sing all the time... actually the car is my favorite place to sing because you can turn it up LOUD and sing even LOUDER... (everything sounds better when it's loud, right?) and i just have to tell you that i really am quite good... in spite of what all of those who have been priviliged enough to hear me have to say... like yesterday, Michael and I were driving down the road, i was thoroughly enjoying singing along with the radio... when the song was over he looked at me and said, "that last note was a little off wasn't it..." to which i replied "Whatever, Michael... don't be a hater!"... he's just jealous of my abilities...

and i am very proud to say that i have passed my love of singing on to my 'chillins... they both sing just as good as i do... and in the car!

2. What would you never be caught doing?

Sunbathing, naked, on a public beach... other than that you can probably catch me doing pretty much anything...

3. Will you go #2 in a public restroom?

Hummm... that is relative... 1) if i can't wait... 2) if there is noone else in there... 3) how clean the restroom is... 4) how long it will be until i am somewhere that is not public...
4. Have you ever broken a bone?

No... but i did fracture my thumb playing basketball... does that count as a broken bone?

5. Do you prefer cooking or baking?

I don't prefer either one... but baking would have to be my choice because it takes the "guess" work out of it... i come from a family of good cooks... my sister is an excellent cook... she can throw anything together... i didn't get touched by the magic spatula... and i am so glad... she will have to be the one that all the traditions get passed down to... if it gets passed to me it will be lost... i tried the Sweet Rolls last Easter (with a recipe) and it was NOT good... they all went in the trash...

and speaking of Easter... here is a little funny...

Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?

Because he doesn't want the other bunnies to know he is foolin' around with the chickens.

Happy Easter!!!

Who is my baby?

2010-04-01T20:53:00.000-04:00

4 years ago today i was sitting on the back of a horse on a 6 hour trail ride telling my sister about what a good time i had the night before on my first date with Michael...

Michael and I met on Match.com... I "winked" at him first... it was his smile... his profile page came across my screen and his picture was one of him in a ball cap, smiling, standing in his kitchen and i absolutely knew that one day i would be standing in that kitchen... and i did...

We talked for about two weeks via email... he asked if he could call... i wasn't comfortable with giving him my number so i called him (with my # blocked)... we talked for a few hours and i instantly fell in love with the way he said "want to?" with his Luray twang... we talked every night for about a week after and then we decided it would be ok to meet for lunch... though we lived about 50 miles apart we worked about 3 miles apart so we decided to meet on our lunch breaks... we went to Panera for lunch but i didn't eat... i had been fighting a cold and wasn't hungry so he ate and i talked... a few minutes into our lunch i leaned across our table and kissed him... (no one but him knows this, until now...) i had to get it out of my system... it was all i was thinking about...

I left our lunch and went back to work... happy but confused... and back to my Arkansas sister, Brooke... (we worked together)... i sat on her desk and we talked about the lunch date... i was convinced that this was not going to work between us... not because i wasn't madly attracted to him or because i didn't throughly enjoy every minute of it but because of the set of Samsonite luggage that i carried with me on a daily basis... the BAGGAGE...

We talked about it for awhile (i believe she, in so many words, told me to get over myself) and it was decided that he should come with us to my sisters's house over the weekend for a group date and then they could all meet him and see what he was like... if they liked him then i had to give him a chance...

Our first date was on March 31, 2006... at a campground grocery store where they push the aisle shelves off to the side to make a dance floor and you dance next to the ice cream freezer... and the bartender keeps a loaded shotgun visibly behind the bar... Benny's Beach...

The general consensus was "WE LIKE MIKE!!!"... and everyone at Benny's Beach knew it... He was a blast... he sang karaoke and danced and fit right in with the entire group... our date lasted until the next morning where we spent the night on a blow-up mattress at my sister's house... (if there was any hanky-panky, i will surely never tell... )

I knew if he ever called me again after that night then he absolutely was a keeper... our first date was a group date with my family, we went to a grocery store/bar to dance and sing karaoke and we slept on a blow-up mattress at my sister's house... if he was stil interested after all that then what choice did i have but to keep him :-)

I talked about him all day long... i wondered if he would call me that evening when i got home... i wondered what he thought about all of us and his night at Benny's Beach...

He called me that night... and almost every night after...

We have been through our share of trials but for the most part Michael and I are good together... he gets me... i feel secure with him... he puts me in my place... we have fun... we laugh... and he loves me... and i love him... good, bad, ugly... i still get excited when he comes through the door in the evening... even after four years...

Four years ago, when his picture loaded on my computer screen i knew i would be standing in his kitchen... i knew, without a spoken word, that this man would be important in my life... i just knew... Today we have a kitchen together... it is ours... a house and a life of our own... mine and my baby's!!!!

Happy Anniversary, Michael! I love you!!!

"Woman, fix me some eggs!"

Drum Roll Please.... And the winner is...

2010-03-26T01:39:00.001-04:00

#28 - Beth W.

Congratulations!!!

I entered everyone according to your order of comment... there were 28 comments...
Thank You! to everyone who participated! I appreciate the love and support!

I hope to be able to do this again soon :-) I had so much fun!!!!

I have fallen in love again...

2010-03-22T23:11:00.000-04:00

...i wasn't lookin' for a new love... i was just lookin' for new patio furniture... that's how the best love happens they say, you know, when you aren't even lookin' for it... i could give you all the details but it really isn't that exciting... i will tell you that Michael is pretty happy about it... my new love saved him a few dollars and kept me busy most of the past weekend which freed up his time to go golfing with the boys... i have to say though that after i was finished with my new love i was super exhausted... i was up late two nights in a row... the neighbors probably think me crazy... i tried out my new love in the front yard... oh the positions they found in me, whew, i didn't know my body could still bend like that... and boy was i hurtin' the next day...

my new love is very inspiring and diverse... durable and easy... and sooo much fun... what we created together this weekend was so fulfilling and i can hardly wait to do it again... i am thinking sometime after Easter... i have to wait until then in order to find a few new things for us to work our magic on... we are just so good together...

i should probably introduce you... my new found love is Krylon spray paint... my goodness, now you didn't think i meant anything else did you? For shame... now let's get back on track and let me show you what i did this weekend...

I started with what looked like this...

and when i was finished i had this....

i couldn't stop with the patio furniture...

i found this table in the basement...

i was so excited that i didn't get a "before" picture...

and it didn't stop there either... i took the outside light fixtures down and sprayed them with the "hammered" look spray paint... so cool... but i have to admit that was a chore and i won't be doing it again...

as you can see in the pics i made new cushion covers also (i cheated with the pillows, i bought them at Target)... and the cute little tablecloth on the table... i made that too... see i told you it was inspiring...

my porch is so inviting that i finally met one of the neighbors... she came over and sat for awhile on my "new" furniture... she wanted to "introduce" herself... however i think she came to support my new love... she mentioned her rain barrel was peeling and needed a new coat of paint...

"Oh, Krylon... my love! Let's take a walk next door!"

5 Question Friday (ok so i'm a day late...)

2010-03-20T16:47:00.001-04:00

My super 'hot' giveaway has brought a few new bloggers to my mess and on my return visits i came across this cool idea from Megan M. over at All A Bunch of Momsense... isn't that a catchy name for a blog, i love it!!!... anywho, i wanted to play along so here is how it works... Mama M from My Little Life will post the questions to be asked and i have to answer them... you might learn a little 'bout me and i might remember a little 'bout myself... We'll see...

1. Have you ever had a celeb sighting?

Why yes i have... i saw this quirky lady in the famous FAO Schwarz toy store on my senior trip to NYC... we were like little stalkers hiding behind toy racks and peeking around to watch her shop... she was oblivious to us but we thought it was great...

Candice Bergman

On another trip to NYC we ran into this celebrity at a news stand... not sure which one of my sisters i was with at this time but they wouldn't let me chase her down the street for an autograph... (i may have stalker issues...)

Elizabeth Berkley

And then at a RV manufacturing facility where i worked they brought in one of the NASCAR drivers that we sponsored to make a speech and sign autographs... that driver just so happened to be Mr. HOT Himself, Rusty Wallace... everyone knew i was a fan so the supervisor brought him out into the plant, right to my workstation to personally introduce me to him... i was a complete blubbering FOOL... i couldn't talk, my knees buckled, i was giggling like i was in middle school... it was horrifying... what happened to my stalker instincts with this one?... finally, after a few ackward moments, he asked me if i would like a picture and i just shook my head, i still couldn't speak... he hugged me and we got our picture taken together... i am sure that i held him a little too tight and maybe a little longer than i should but what harm could be done at this point, right?... later when i was in line for my autograph he looked up at me and smiled and said "You ok now?".... not one of my finer moments... but absolutely one i will never forget... i love him... he could have been my husband, i am sure of that... if not for my moment of insanity...

2. What temperature do you keep your house?

I love to be warm... Michael loves to be cool... I would usually win this battle until i got our first gas bill in our new home... you know how on TV people literally just fall over... i am certain this happened to me when i opened this bill... so the temperature went down from 73 to 68, where it has stayed... i think the gas company won this one...

3. Do you notice dust at other peoples homes?

I don't notice dust but i do notice the dirt on the trim around the floor... odd, i know, but true... and sorry to those whom i have visited... Now quit reading my blog and go clean your baseboard :-)

4. What's the worst job you ever had?

I worked the night shift at a manufacturing plant where i had to watch the clock in order to take a molding unit out of the press every 12 minutes... i hated it... talk about a long night... i lasted one miserable week...

5. What is your most sentimental possession

My daughter and I just had an arguement about this this morning... when i was a year old Santa Claus left me a stuffed Winnie The Pooh bear under the tree at my Granny's house... i absolutely remember getting it even though i was only a year old (believe it or not)... i "lost" him when i was about 12 or 13... my mom would give him frequent baths and she hung him on the line behind our house to dry and he blew away... i spent hours back there trying to find him... on my birthday i got the absolute best present ever... I got him back... my mom had taken him to get his music box fixed... she said it was the worst few weeks she ever spent and wanted to give him back to me so bad but she also wanted it to be a surprise... then our house burnt when i was 16... coming up on the scene of everything that we had being lost, the only thing on my mind was my Pooh Bear... my Uncle Donnie was inside the house trying to salvage what he could and i asked that he please look for him... it is a vision that will forever be a part of me as they handed him out a bedroom window... smoke filled, wet and dirty but ok... his is still with me but was handed down to my daughter when she was little and she still sleeps with him everynight (she is 16)... this morning when i went in to wake her he was stuffed down in between the wall and her bed... Pooh and I have a very unique relationship... i can hear all his thoughts and he was not at all happy about having to sleep upside down, stuffed in a crack and by hisself... i told her that Pooh was getting old and couldn't do all the things he used to and that she needed to be more careful with him... and for all the security he has brought us over the years that she needed to be more respectful of him... she has assured me that it won't happen again :-)

Around the fire...

2010-03-17T18:52:00.002-04:00

Today i was looking at the pictures on my Arkansas sister's facebook and found this... oh, the timing is so perfect... you know how i mentioned in my giveaway post the suggestion of "wear a turkey on your head"... well here ya go, a visual of exactly what i was referring to...

Tara (my sister) and Brooke (my Arkansas sister)

If the turkey head isn't your style you could always go for the puppy dog look...

Tiffany (my cousin)

And this puppy gets around... seen here at a different gathering that ended up around the fire...

And you are welcome girls... i know you are very thankful that i have shared your proudest moments from "around the fire"...

And i had to throw this one in just because its such a good picture... taken the last time we were all together...

Tara, Brooke and Me

Love You bunches, Miss You more!!!!

A Giveaway, a what? A Giveaway, oh YEAH!!!

2010-03-15T16:37:00.008-04:00

If you could get in my brain then you would be hearing me singing this little diddy i made up all by myself... "A Giveaway, a what? A giveaway, oh YEAH!!"... so silly i know... but i am so excited i can hardly stand it...

I read blogs all the time that hosts giveaways of certain products and i have always wanted to do one myself but wasn't really sure how to go about it until the wonderful people over at http://www.csnstores.com contacted me about hosting a giveaway on my blog... my blog... really? could it be true... why yes it is... :-)

What is really exciting to me is that they are letting ME pick what i want one of you, my fabulous followers, to have... i thought about this for awhile... do i go with kids bedding for all of you that have children? or do i go with something sports related for those followers who love to tailgate ~ GO HOOS! maybe for those who are smooth with a spatula, a cool kitchen gadget? so many choices... so many cool items... so i decided to go with... none of the above...

Instead i want you to have something your whole family can enjoy... something that might bring about good conversation and laughter... a bit of warmth on a chilly night... ambiance to set a mood... a cool decoration for your outdoor garden, patio or deck... i want you to have this:

SEI Kodiak Stone Personal Fireplace

I chose this because some of our best family gatherings have taken place outside around a warm fire... and its just about the season for it again... so if you don't happen to live out in the middle of nowhere where you can set your backyard to blaze or even if you can but just want to take it down a notch this is for you and i hope you get as much enjoyment out of it as i have had in picking it out for you...
:-)

Now not that you'll be able to do all these things around this beautiful personal fireplace that http://www.csnstores.com is so graciously giving you, but here are some examples of what you can do around a fire...

walk around with a turkey on your head
set the tree above the fire to blaze
fall out of the lawn chair that only had three good legs when you sat down
reminisce about the good times
tell loud, nasty jokes (but only when the little ones aren't around)
eat burnt hot dogs and roast marshmallows
burn the old furniture you don't want anymore
snuggle with your lovey
test the theory that a styrofoam cup with water in it will not burn if you set it in a fire
tell lies
prove that time really does fly when you are having fun as you look at your watch and its 3am

Just like on TV where they have that disclosure that says "Don't try this at home"... don't try all these with your new fireplace but do have fun... and call me... i want to come over and hang out with you :-)

Drawing to be held on March 26th...
must leave a comment on this post to enter...
(if you are commenting anonymously please make
sure to identify yourself so that i can contact you if you win)
one entry per follower...
ships to US and Canada...
winner choosen by random drawing...

Day 2 - Community Service

2010-03-15T15:43:00.004-04:00

On Saturday Logan and I served Day 2 of his community service (click here for a link to that story) at the landfill... our duty for the day was to push the button on the compactor at the public dump site every 1/2 hour or so... for as aggravating as it is to have to give up three of my Saturdays and the fact that it is at the landfill it was an ok day...

Because it rained all day we didn't spend much time outside, we sat in the 4-Runner the entire 8 hours and had, what the judge ordered, "some good conversation"... here are a few snipits from our day...

...i am scared for his future...

It is pouring down the rain outside, about 15 people have dropped off their trash... and about 45 minutes have gone by... Logan knows he needs to get out and push the button but doesn't want to get wet...

Logan: Mom, the button needs pushed

Me: I'm not gettin' out and pushin' the button

Logan: You're gonna have to

Me: Well... i'm NOT

(pause)

Logan: Well... I don't know what to tell you, Woman!

(standoff... we sit lookin at each other)

(long pause...)

(he gets out and pushes the button)

(...I WIN...)

We sang songs throughout the day... this was entertaining... here is a line from Logan's version of "Whose Cheatin' Who":

"Whose doing right by hittin' the pipe... whose car is wrecked next door"

Conversation at lunch about how hot the fried mushrooms are:

Me: They're hot aren't they

Logan: Yeah, like hurt ya hot... like the Beattles... when you hear 'em you're like

"What, did i die? Is this heaven?"

(i sit shaking my head... some things you just can't explain)

Potty talk:

Me: I need to go to the bathroom

Logan: Me too... i'm gonna get out and direct traffic while i pee

Me: That's nice Logan... and they'll call the cops on you for indecent exposure

Logan: Really cause i figured they would call the zoo and tell them to

come quick cause there's an anaconda on the loose...

Now is there any wonder as to why we are spending 24 hours at the landfill? Life with Logan is interesting to say the least...

Get off the roads, Moe is driving...

2010-03-12T08:38:00.000-05:00

Yesterday Morgan took the driver's test for her learners permit and passed... not only did she pass but she did not miss a single question which is a big difference from the first time she took it where she failed after the second question...

This is her first time behind the wheel...

And this is me:

All kidding aside, she is a very cautious driver... she smiled all the way home...

Looking back... moving forward...

2010-03-11T10:36:00.001-05:00

Back before i knew of this thing called a blog i kept a journal... i didn't write in it daily, i used it to keep clippings of things that i found that moved me or to write down little snipits of my thoughts and to write down things that i was grateful for on a specific day... I came across this book the other day and opened it... the page before me was December 25, 2005...

Other than the obvious significance of this day, i believe this day to be monumental to my life as it is now... and reading it made me question all that i have been "questioning" as of late... confused? :-) .... see, i am not sure what i believe as far as religion is concerned... i have been struggling with it for a while now... what i do believe is that there is a higher power but is it the traditional, all-knowing, heavenly father that i have been taught it to be... that is what i doubt... this is a whole other post that i won't go into now... let me get back to December 25, 2005... this is what i wrote:

wait, i need to give you a little background into why ~ i was going through an extremely painful breakup from a man who was going to "change my life" (his words)... he was going to take care of me and my children and had asked me to give up my life and "blend" into his... a year into it he told me to "get out"... and for a year after i tried to put my life back into order and move on... i literally cried every day... i didn't know how to move forward or to get past the heartache... now, this is what i wrote:

"It has been a while since i have seen this book. It has been a challenging year for me and my children. The tears fall as i write this and I am not sure exactly why. Is it because I am alone? Maybe. Is it because I am just feeling sorry for myself? That, maybe also. Or maybe it is just what i need today, to be alone, embrace what I am feeling and cleanse my soul. Isn't that a little of what Christmas is about? Sure, I get caught up in the "commercial" Christmas holiday, but deep inside I know... I know about the birth of a new spirit & hope & faith & warmth. Maybe this is why i cry, I just need to renew those things inside me and get rid of some of this baggage. Let go and forgive, love, have faith, and hope... Shouldn't all these things be saved for New Year's Eve? Maybe so, but i need them today... It seems ironic that as i spend my day inside crying, the rain is also falling outside. It's just the weather, i know, but if i have faith and believe, then maybe its God helping to cleanse more than my soul... Maybe?!"

On the next page i wrote what i was grateful for... "Thank you for the rain & ink pens & journals & emotions & the ability to believe. Thank you!"

I thought about this post for a while... thought maybe i should save it for Christmas... but as i said earlier, this day was a turning point that has led me to where i am today... in just a few days it will be 4 years since Michael Rickard's page opened up on my computer screen (we met on Match.com)... and my life has not been the same since... i have a post about this also but i am going to save it for a few more days :-)...

Finding this book and reading this page brought about a "storm in her brain"... my brain... my thoughts are all over the place and there is no way i could get it all in one post... it relates to so many things in my life right now... but today what i really want to convey with this post and more importantly remind myself of is this... 4 years ago my life changed... for the better... and i have, up to this point, related this all to Michael... but truth be told it began a few months before Michael, it changed on that significant, rainy day in December... it began with me and that higher power that i have been questioning lately... and i had forgotten that...

Today i write:

"It has been a challenging year for me and my family. I have questioned every aspect of my life... I have been filled with doubt and anger and fear... Though i am not sure what i believe spiritualy, i do know that life takes you where you need to be and there was a reason i came across this book again... sure it could just be that i recently moved and am still unpacking boxes, but i don't think so... I think i needed to be gently reminded of what faith, hope and belief can bring to your life and more importantly how lost i feel without it.

Today there are no tears... but it is calling for an 80% chance of rain!"

I am a genius...

2010-02-18T16:16:00.002-05:00

I got this in an email and loved it... it is always nice when someone
can put a positive spin on the "larger" things in life... :-)

Recently, in a large city in Australia ,
a poster featuring a young, thin and tanned woman appeared in the
window of a gym. It said, "This summer, do you want to be a
mermaid or a whale?"

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match
those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question
posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions,
curious humans..)
They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable
  baby whales.
They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves
  with shrimp.
They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like
  Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia.
Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs.
They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other
  than humans.
They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don't exist.
If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of
  Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human?
They don't have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them,
not to mention how could they have sex?
Just look at them ... where is IT?
Therefore, they don't have kids either.
Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:
I want to be a whale.

P..S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads
the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an
ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver,
and a piece of chocolate with my friends. With time, we gain weight because
we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads
that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies.

So we aren't heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy.
Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,
¨Good grief, look how smart I am!¨

A few randoms...

2010-02-15T17:38:00.002-05:00

Nothing really on my mind but i wanted to post a few random things..

My Mom has finally started to do something for herself and she is taking a cake decorating class... on Saturday she showed up to class and the class had been cancelled so she came to my house and created her masterpiece... it was beautiful... she made every flower, completely edible... i am very proud of her...

My cousin's son, Dylan, stayed with me for a few days while we were out of school for the weather... weather that dumped almost three feet of snow on us... so what do kids want to do when it snows, sled of course... our high school has a very steep hill, a steep hill with piled snow at the bottom that they used as a ramp, a ramp that leads into the parking lot... The kids decided this was where they wanted to sled ride... and this is the result... Dylan with a broken leg...

A few weeks ago Justin came home and said he wanted to go to church... we don't attend church but my step-mother and my aunt both teach Sunday School so he called them up to see if he could go with one of them... along with the twelve hundred other kids that have been at my house the past two weeks were Emmie and Cate... :-)... on Saturday evening my Aunt Donna called to ask if Justin wanted to go to church with her... so, this Sunday Justin and Emmie attended Sunday School... they were excited... excited to dress up and exicted for the money they got for the offering... Justin asked as he was putting his money in his wallet "do i have to give it to them" :-)... when they got home Justin hit the door yelling "i want to go back..." they made crafts and sang songs and got an "attitude check" and learned a new handshake... Emmie attends church on a faily regular basis so she wasn't as excited as Justin... he really liked it...

This weekend has been a weekend that the iPods have been drug out of the drawers and there have been three little ones walking around with earphones in singing loudly and off-key... the favorite song was Alyssa Lies... Alyssa Lies is about a little girl who is abused and comes to school and tells lies about her bruises to protect her abusers and in the end goes to heaven where she doesn't have to lie anymore... Sunday morning as we were waiting for Aunt Donna to pick them up the iPods were back in and Alyssa Lies was being sung... Emmie asked if the song was true, if parents really did this to their kids... we had a discussion about it and i told them that they should pray about it in church... Aunt Donna said that the preacher asked for prayer requests and Justin whispered to her to ask that they please pray for all the abused children... she did and she said everyone in church was awed by it... there is no picture for this one but doesn't it just touch your heart...

I love the snow... even 3ft of it.. everything takes on a new look... Michael and I went out driving around in it... this is the view of Main Street Strasburg and the road to my Dad's house, respectively... beautiful...

Tara's Thoughts - Febuary 5, 2010

2010-02-15T09:06:00.000-05:00

This post is being published by me but these are the words from my sister, Tara.

"Time Swings By"

I got a letter from Holly the other day talking about her pushing Emmie on the swing and Emmie laughing really hard. How that reminded her of me when i was little. This brought to mind how fast time goes by. Not long ago I remember being on that swing. All blonde and innocent. With that I started thinking of how much of my childhood I gave up. Every stage of my life I've been in a hurry to get to the next. Missing all of the excitement of the current moment. (Maybe not "always" but much of the time) As I think about how slow these next five months will go I'm trying to remember that life flies by and these 10 1/2 months that i am removed from my life will help me slow down when I get home. I can help my children be just what they are - children. And I can enjoy every minute of their innocence right along with them.

there's a boy in her room...

2010-02-08T23:58:00.000-05:00

For a few weeks now i have known that the time was coming...

The time when i would drive my fifteen year old daughter to a boy's house... a boy she likes...

The time for the conversation where she tells me they are dating... and asks if they could spend some time together... if they can "hang out" in her room as long as the door was open...

The time for me to be open-minded and trusting... and this is hard for me but not because she is my baby... and not because i don't want her to grow up... and not because i am scared that she will get her heart broken but because i know a little bit about this little punk that wants to come over to my house and spend time with my daughter... i have met him before... when he didn't know who i was... and my first impression of him was not a good one...

The time for me to respect her decision and trust her judgement and allow the opportunity to have my mind changed about him...

So as we pulled into the driveway of his house he looked out at us with a huge grin on his face... and as she walked up to the porch he opened the door and put his arm around her and walked her in... and when they were leaving he opened the door and let her walk out first... and when he got in the car he introduced himself and shook my hand...

...and that tugged at my heart a little...

He was respecting my daughter... he was excited to see her... it was written all over his face...

But he's still a little punk... not because of my first encounter with him but because he's taking up a little bit of the time that used to be mine... precious time...

Tonight the time has come... the time for me to be sitting here alone... watching our favorite television show by myself...

...because there's a boy in her room...

When I See A Woman...

2010-02-06T14:09:00.002-05:00

The following is a post from a fellow blogger, Angela Sims... i wanted to share it with you as i believe we could all learn something from it... it will definitely make me stop and wonder the next time i see someone that leaves me shaking my head... we all have a story...

In light of the recent women's retreat, I have had some issues on my mind. We spent a better part of the weekend learning about what kind of woman NOT to be. The immoral woman. The indiscreet woman. The irritating woman.

As the descriptions unfolded I heard the gasps around me. I heard the shocking cries about these terrible women. I could feel the JUDGMENT in the very large room, and the underlying hint of anger at their actions and corruptions.

Friends, it did not make me feel righteous. Truth is, I have been all three of those women in my lifetime. I've been in some of those places they described. I'm not proud of it. Not at all. But know this - because of that - I don't see people the same way as others, at least most of the time anyway. I guess it makes me different (or maybe I'm not?). I know to me it hurts to shame women with opinions I have no right to behold. Maybe there is another story behind their actions, behind their clothes, behind their situation. Have you ever considered this?

My heart tells me to see these women differently. To Keep believing, keep hoping, and keep loving. As the famous Avatar movie would say, "I see you". And this is how I choose to see women described as immoral, indiscreet, and irritating.

When I see a young woman dressed in a short skirt, a tight, low-cut t-shirt labeled "Too Hot to Care". I don't see a child I want to reprimand and explain proper attire to. I see a little girl who is crying out for direction. She has followed the wrong role models and has had no one protecting her morality. She wants attention. She is LONELY.

When I see a woman tightly wound with a chip on her shoulder. She snaps at the waitress. Her food is too cold, too hot, and all kinds of wrong. She glares at the man next to her while he shudders inwardly and tiptoes around her drama stage. I don't see intolerance, and contention. I see a woman who is SCARED. She is scared to love. She is scared to be loved and pushes everyone away to protect herself.

When I see a woman flirting with a married man. She charms him. She knows exactly what to do and say. A wink, a smile, a lick of the lips. I don't see a predator. I see an empty soul who has never known what it's like to be truly loved. The darkness inside envelopes her. She is LOST.

When I see a woman who drinks excessively, smokes, and hangs around the bar pretending she is not crushing on the bartender. Nightly, she abuses her body. She is filling her life with unfulfillable things. She doesn't know who she is. She doesn't know how to find herself. I want to take her hand and let her know, there is so much more to life. She seeks FULFILLMENT.

When I see a woman having sex with a different man every night. She can't commit, nor does she want to. It's just sex. It doesn't mean anything. She is fine on her own. It's better this way. I don't see a heartless user. I see a woman who has never loved deeply. The love that lifts, turns, and softens. My heart breaks for what she is missing. I want to knock down the walls so she can FEEL.

When I see a woman with an abusive mate. She cowers, she begs, she pleads. She is a trooper at keeping the peace and doing what is expected. I don't see her weak will. I see a woman who doesn't know her worth. She doesn't think she deserves anything better than what she has. She needs to know how precious she truly is. She has VALUE.

When I see a woman with perfect porcelain skin, eyes without wrinkles, and a firm, fit body. She wears designer clothes. She drives a Cadillac. She has everything she needs, and other women envy her, or worship her. Inside, her heart beats like mine, her blood flows through her veins. Her mind thinks and feels just like I do. She is NOT all put together. She is NOT perfect. She is tired. She has no true friends. She bears the upkeep on her back and it weighs two tons. She wishes to relax but her needs and subsistence drive her tirelessly. If only her life could stop. If only she could just let go, and be. She wants to DIE because that would be easier than her life. I want her to know there is vitality that is not attainable through any means, but is joy filled without any appointments. She needs serenity and ACCEPTANCE.

When I see a woman dirty and shuffling. She wears plastic bags on her feet. She carries all her worldly possessions in her handbag with one unbroken strap. She doesn’t have a place she calls home. She lives where her legs will take her and where a light burns bright for her. I don’t see a helpless bum. I see a woman with great grit and determination. She lives proudly in the worst of situations. She is a SURVIVOR.

When I see a young woman bucking the system. She is trouble - fighting, lying, hating. She never does the right thing. Always does the opposite of what is expected. She is conniving and manipulative. I consider the possibility of her turmoil is from abuse. A verbally abusive mother. A controlling Father. Maybe, an unsuspecting neighbor sexually abused her as a child and NO ONE KNOWS. She didn't tell. She is ANGRY and violated. She wants to strike out at the world. I ACHE for her. Not only is she incredibly tormented but she bears the pain on her own. How twisted and buried it must be. That child is crying inside and needs to be comforted. She needs to know, it wasn't her fault. She is BLAMELESS.

When I see a woman jealous and hateful. She gossips and gets great pleasure in demeaning her fellow sister. She despises the happiness of others and will think nothing of a cutting remark. I don’t see a bitch. I see a woman terribly unhappy. She is void of empathy. She is withering from lack of light. She is in DARKNESS.

When I see a woman standing on a street corner. She is Looking out from hard eyes, and tough skin. She sways when she walks but she can fight when she needs to, or run. She has been beaten bloody. She has been stoned out of her mind. She has been violated, and torn until she is scarred and broken. Her life is the streets. Waiting for that twenty she can shoot up her veins. I don't see a hooker junkie. I see a child whose mother abandoned her at age two. I see a lost, frightened little girl, who cried out for her Daddy and received beatings instead. She got lost in the system. No one cared for her. No one raised her. No one loved her. Not then. Not now. Not ever. I see a life that could miraculously change. A change so dramatic when she stood up to tell her story every ear would hear and be astounded. I see someone who God could use. She is SOMEBODY.

When I see a woman all dressed in black. She has black nail polish and hair. She wears chains and nose rings. She has a neck tattoo just above her lace trimmed collar. She is quiet and broody. People tend to give her a wide berth and confused glances. I don't see a mental case. I see an artistic creation locked inside, lacking the freedom to express her needs and desires. She is passionate, complex, and terribly misunderstood. I want to unlock her chains. I want her to know she can live as uniquely as God made her. She is FREE.

When I see a woman struck down by illness. She has battled fiercely and lost. She is worn out. She has seen every doctor, tried every prescription. She has been betrayed by her body, by her mind. She wishes for well-being but only ends up sicker and sadder. With each failed treatment, depression sets in. Pain ensues. It's a downward spiral of despair. Her life stops as she is only able to do so much in her weakened state. She loses her family, her job, her will. I don't see a hypochondriac. I see a woman desperate for faith. I see a woman who needs to know she can be supernaturally healed, if only she will believe it. She is WHOLE.

When I see a woman using foul language. She swears with the best of them, dropping F-bombs, like hydros, hitting targets left and right. I don't see desecration. I see a woman who watched their week old infant son take his last breath in her arms. I see a woman who was good and proper her whole life, until she had to dig deep to find the strength to survive burying her baby. Her anguish expelled on her lips in short fiery bursts. I would curse too. She MISSES her son. She will always miss him. She HURTS.

You don't know what ANYONE is going through, or how they got to that point, or where they came from. You don't know, nor may you ever know. One thing is for sure, there is SOME story. Maybe it's not any of the above. Maybe it's not even close. But what if you considered the possibility, and instead of judging, held them deeply with compassion.

Fill yourself up with all the love in your soul and beam it towards these women. SEE THEM. It's easy to reject what we don't understand. It's so hard to embrace when we do.

I humbly ask you, LOVE them. Just love them anyway. That is true unfading beauty.

My Snowy Visitor

2010-02-05T11:51:00.000-05:00

This snowy visitor stopped by last week... he is gone now but i feel certain that he will be back next week...

Being Aunt Holly

2010-02-01T12:29:00.001-05:00

Emmie had two mommies... and she used to tell you without doubt... "I have a mean mommy and a nice mommy!"

For many years i was labeled the nice mommy and Tara was the mean one... it was not uncommon to hear Tara say "Go ask your nice mommy" when Emmie wanted something... it was not uncommon for Emmie to spend the weekend with me... it was not uncommon for Emmie to cling to me and not want to go home... and it is not uncommon for me to want her with me...

But I am no longer the nice mommy... i haven't fallen out of place with Emmie but the absence of her other mother has made it so that we are equal in Emmie's eyes... and she now has two nice mommies... actually she has just one nice Mommy and an Aunt Holly... and that's ok...

There is 10 years difference between Tara and I... i watched her grow up... and i watched her be put aside as my parents divorced and tried to build their new lives seperately... i watched her try to make her way during a very unstable time in our lives... i grew up not feeling like i was Tara's sister but feeling as if i was her protector...

When Emmie was born Tara asked me to be her Godmother... a role that comes very natural... I am not Emmie's mom just as i wasn't Tara's... and i can't explain to you exactly how i feel about them... the closest i can get is that they are mine to protect... some would say "you love them" and yes, i do... however... i have other sisters that i love, deeply... but it's not the same... there is something that ties the three of us together...

My connection to Emmie began before i ever felt a need to protect her... i used to take her outside at night and watch the stars and tell her that she was sent to us as a gift from the angels... and that is exactly what she is... Emmie is now going through a very unstable time in her life... and it is just about the same age as when my parents divorced and Tara's world was turned upside down... funny how that works...

I suppose i will always feel that i need to protect the two of them... no matter what life brings our way... with Tara's absence i believed i would be fulfilling the role of the nice mommy... i thought to myself that this was what life had prepared me to do... life had given Emmie two mommies because she was going to need them... i was wrong... i wasn't allowed to take on that role with Emmie and maybe that is the way it was supposed to be... but it was very hard for me... i spent many, many hours tyring to find a way to bring her to me and worrying that she was ok... one mommy was gone for a while and one was here but she wasn't allowed to be with me... talk about a struggle... i was driving myself crazy as i couldn't help either one of them... and i had to learn to step back... remember me talking about that little thing called "control" that drives me crazy... this was hard for me...

You know how sometimes you do things because it is just natural... you don't DECIDE to do it, it's just supposed to be that way... well that's what it was like when i started volunteering at Emmie's school... i didn't make the decision to be there... i didn't talk it over with anybody and i didn't put any thought into it... i just knew that this was what i was going to do and so I volunteer every Wednesday... they won't allow me to be in her classroom so i spend the day with other classes and i peek in on her and she smiles and waves and goes back to work... she looks for me in the halls and she waits for me at lunch... and we eat and laugh and play... and her friends all think its great that i am there and every time they see me in the hall they hug me and say "Aunt Holly"... my volunteer ID badge says "Holly Crawford ~ Volunteer" but i always tell them it say's "Emmie's Aunt Holly" and Emmie just laughs... i don't know if she gets anything out of me being there but i like to think she does... i like to think that she gets a little bit of comfort from knowing that i am there... and that i will be every week until her Mommy comes home...

Last week as i pushed Emmie on the swings she broke out into an innocent, heart warming laugh that i don't hear often enough anymore and i was reminded of that other little girl that i love and miss so much... her mommy, Tara... and that feeling of protection flooded me and i was very thankful for both of them in my life...

As i said before, i thought life had prepared us for me to be one of Emmie's mommies and in a way i still am... i nurture her and i love her and i protect her and i did what all parents do, i sacrificed... i sacrificed being the "nice mommy"... the normal sibling rivalry side of me liked being the "nice mommy"... but i am Aunt Holly... and i am happy with that...

...for now... ;-)

and we sang...

2010-01-31T23:06:00.000-05:00

My Pretty has learned to use the cell phone... and use it she does... she has called me exactly 10 times this evening... nothing really to say... just having fun with MeMe's cell phone...

Emmies new favorite song is Meet Me Halfway by the Black Eyed Peas and we sing the few lines of the chorus that we know to each other whenever we see each other... earlier this evening (around call 6) i was fixing dinner and told her i would talk to her later and she said, "Ok, but... will you meet me halfway?"...

I just love her... she is so pure and innocent and fun...

and we sang...

"i will meet you halfway, right at the borderline. That's where i'm gonna wait... for you. I'll be looking out... night and day. Took my heart to the limit and this is where i'll stay!!!"

Forget the Little Black Dress

2010-01-27T12:04:00.000-05:00

I'm going for the Red....

Red is Courtney Love lipstick and chicken blood. Red, the color of a hooker's heels in Vegas or the flashing lights of a police car. Red is dangerous. Red is apple and cherry and pomegranate open mouths. It says lick my palm. Red is Richard Simmons cheek-glitter or the real color of blackberry stains. Rhubarb pie with strawberry. Red pepper chile ristra in the doorway saying enter, enter. Red wax of the candle dripping off the mantle and onto the white white carpet for 8 days straight. Red wine dripping infinitely onto coffee tables and doilies. Red give-ins . Red mornings when the sun seeps through red curtains. Roadkill. Ketchup on my red dress you can't see

oh-no-you-can't.

Tara Thoughts - January 23

2010-01-27T07:34:00.001-05:00

This post is being published by me but these are the words from my sister, Tara.

We passed this around in here. Thought I'd send my answers to you. Send them back to me if you want.

1 - Law & Order or Criminal Minds? Criminal Minds
2 - Pepsi or Coke? Pepsi
3 - Snickers or Milky Way ? Milky Way - frozen
4 - Black or White? black-no, white, no-black, I can't decide
5 - Read the book or watch the movie? read the book
6 - MTV or CMT? is VH1 an option
7 - Sun or Moon? Moon
8 - Paper or Plastic? Bad to say plastic but.... 5cent plastic bag tax???
9 - Gold or Silver? Silver
10 - Tennis Shoes or Boots? Flip-Flops
11 - Decaf or Regular? Decaf
12 - Top or Bottom? Top
13 - Vanilla or Chocolate? Both maybe chocolate
14- Country or Rock? Both
15 - Summer or Winter? Summer - can't wait for summer! :-)
16 - Advil or Tylenol? Advil
17 - Coffee or Tea? Tea
18 - Wal-Mart or K-Mart? Wal-Mart (out of habit)
19 - Shower or Bath? Bath of Course
20 - Ketchup or Mustard? Ketchup
21 - Boxers or Briefs? Boxer briefs

Just something to pass a little time - which is going by so slow lately! This has been the slowest month so far. I'm not sure it will ever end - lol! Besides that all is well.

Tara's Thoughts - January 17

2010-01-26T21:49:00.000-05:00

This post is being published by me but these are the words from my sister, Tara.

It's the middle of January. Not much to report. Went to the eye doctor the other day. Bad news is I need glasses. Good news is I got to go to Wal-Mart. I was really surprised at how much i "couldn't" see.

Well Christmas is over and it's a new year. I've almost done 1/2 my time which is very encouraging. Still one day at a time. Thanks for all the Christmas cards. It's always nice hearing from everyone.

Something for you to try for dinner:

Chicken Broccoli Casserole

1 pkg frozen broccoli (run warm water over it so it comes apart)
1 lb chicken breast (cooked in chunks)
2 cups cooked rice (white or whole grain)
1 can cream of celery soup
1 can cream of chicken soup
1/2 cup mayo
1 cup shredded mozzerella cheese

layer in a glass baking dish

broccoli
rice
mixture of soups, mayo, 1/2 cheese, and chicken
top with remaining cheese

Cover and bake 30-40 mins (or until cheese is melted & casserole is heated through) at 350 degrees.

Use fat free soups and cheese & whole grain rice for a healthier meal :-)

I made this at work. Yummy, Yummy!
Try it... so good and so easy!

(Holly's Thoughts - it made me smile when i read this... she is such a good cook and has always been able to just throw stuff together... she makes this outrageous oatmeal cookie cake... i am going to make her bake me one as soon as she comes home... )

i have officially lost it...

2010-01-12T19:38:00.000-05:00

so, i bought this set of lamps... old lamps that have had the cords replaced on them... the kind of plugs where you have to wrap the wires around the screw on the end and then screw them into actual plug... anyway... one of the plugs had a bare wire so i unscrewed it and secured the wire...

looks good ~ lets plug it in...

plug it into the outlet and pull the cord (yes it has pull cord for a switch)... nothing... try the bottom outlet, still nothing... as this is a new house and i haven't yet figured out all the switches and some of the switches control the outlets so i spend a few minutes flipping switches and switching outlets... still nothing...

check the plug again... these lamps worked when i bought them ~ i checked them out... so what is the problem... i didn't do anything more than secure the wire so i move to another room and try a few more outlets... still nothing...

i check the plug again... looks right to me, actually it looks better than when i bought it and it worked then... and i really like these lamps... they are one of those really cool, unique finds i mentioned in my award post that makes me happy...

i work on it a little longer and try yet another outlet in another room... still nothing...

20 minutes later and feeling a bit agitated i set the lamp down on the floor... and that's when it became official...

i have lost my mind...

no bulb in the lamp...

Roll out the red carpet... I received an award...

2010-01-12T14:48:00.000-05:00

This yummy award came to me all the way from Texas!

Angelia is celebrating her 100th post and is having a Bloggy Bling Parade!

This would be the very first blog award i have ever received and it couldn't have come at a better time... she is not giving it to me because she thinks i am a bundle of joy or because she loves all my recent enlightening posts or because she thinks i am the next best seller in the make... she is giving it to me because she thinks i need some love and support... and she is so right ~ i just didn't realize that all my (ummm....) sunshine was radiating all the way to Texas...

I am very thankful that she cared enough to think of me...

THANK YOU!!!!

Now, time to dig myself out from underneath all these boxes and disorder and shake off my funk...

Just like with all good things, I need to pay it forward and here is how this works:

1. List 10 things that make you happy.

2. Try to do at least one thing on the list today.

3. List 10 bloggers who brighten your day.

4. Those of you to whom I give this award are to link back to my blog and perpetuate the happy with your own lists and recipients and whatnot.

Ten things that make me happy ~

1. Laughter

2. Gardening

3. Plants

4. Creating things

5. Dancing

6. Going to auctions and finding a really cool, unique item

7. Good conversation

8. Discovering new things

9. New pieces of art

10. Control (this one cause me much grief also but i am going to list it anyway)

Ten blogs that i love...

1. The Key to Me ~ this blog is written by my neice and i love that we can share the same story and have a different summary of the event... it shows me that it is all relative and i like that i can be a part of her journey to the adult world via her posts... this is a young lady that will definitely be a positive influence on the world ~ i have no doubts...

2. Low Expectations ~ this blog is written by Nicolasa... not sure what drew me into following her other than i love reading her posts... and i totally plan on stealing her dog...

3. Speaking From the Crib ~ this blogger is hysterical ~ and nothing is off topic... i love it...
4. Red Pine Mountain ~ this lady's sense of adventure is amazing to me... and her deep love is very apparent for her horse and her Mountain Man...
5. Life Laugh Latte ~ these ladies do video posts that are too much... so much fun and so silly...
6. Be Different...Act Normal ~ some of the coolest ideas for creating things come out of her blog... i love seeing all the things she finds and she has really good pictures...
7. A Parent's Life to Behold, Through the Eyes of Insanity-n-Bliss ~ Kim is so refreshing and i love reading her posts... and i definitely relate to her insanity... i think she keeps hers more on the positive side though, she is a very good influence :-)
8. A Day in the Life; Chronicles of an Only Parent ~ i love all her future ex-husbands... and i think the thing that drew me in were these words from her About Me ~ "I struggle with not allowing motherhood define me as a woman"... i can relate...
9. Milk and Cuddles ~ i just feel at home here... and i love the cookie signature... i am sure all her posts are written just for me :-)
10. The Grown Up Child ~ Carolyn truly has a gift... she is a child of divorce and writes about how it has defined her life... she has the courage and wisdom to put things into words that alot of us just bury... if you have children from a divorce or you are a divorced child yourself you definitely need to visit her...

and not sure if it is ok to give the award back to the one who gave it to you... but... Angelia has the most amazing sense of courage and determination... she is one to learn from... we draw strength from others... Living, Loving, Laughing...

Now i need to work on a few more bubbles and a little less mess...

"Sometimes things fall apart so others can fall into place"

Puzzled...

2010-01-04T23:10:00.000-05:00

I am emotionally, physically and spiritually exhausted... i have been having panic attacks that come on at very random and inconvenient times... everything i own is either disorganized or boxed or waiting for placement... and i feel totally out of control of my own life...

I am an old 5000 piece jigsaw puzzle just turned over out of the box... a few of the pieces are still together and a few fell out right side up but mostly just all over the place... and i am not sure the table is big enough to fit all the pieces yet...

I feel certain that it will all come together in the end... i just hope we don't get down to the last few pieces and realize that there is a piece missing... i really don't have the energy to crawl around on the floor looking for it... and i hope its an insignificant one...

I would hate for it to be my mind that i have lost....

...live your way into the answer.

2009-12-31T17:00:00.000-05:00

Found this quote online... thought it profound and wanted to share, especially at this time of new resolutions...

Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the question now. Perhaps then, some day far in the future, you will gradually without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

~ Rainer Maria Rilke, trans. by Stephen Mitchell

Have a Safe and Happy New Year!

Tara's Thoughts - December 19

2009-12-28T22:22:00.000-05:00

This post is being published by me but these are the words from my sister, Tara.

Christmas Memories

Lately all that has been on my mind is how my kids will see this Christmas when they get older and look back. So I started thinking about my childhood Christmases. The one that comes to mind is when i was about 4 years old. Early that December we lost our house to a fire. I remember it all pretty vividly, as we are going up our driveway, i'm sitting on my Daddy's lap helping him drive and my Mom starts telling him that she sees smoke coming from our roof. I'm sure now that they panicked but I don't remember that, what i remember is that I WAS DRIVING! Then we stayed at my GrannyMothers house because we had no where else to go ~ I didn't know that was why, i just knew it was great to be staying at Granny's. I got alot of extra attention that year on my birthday and at Christmas. I didn't know it was because all of our Christmas present burned in the fire. I had a Cabbage Patch doll "Helga Kirsten" who had also been in the fire. I found her under our Christmas tree with burned legs that Santa had bandaged. She was wrapped in a blanket with hospital clothes on. I never felt sad for her that she had been hurt but happy that Santa had been there to rescue her and bring her back to me.

Of all the sadness there must have been around me that year... I can not remember any of it. Hopefully my children will remember this Christmas just as special and when they look back on it they will smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Happy Birthday To Me

Thank you for all the birthday cards and love that was sent with them. I had a great birthday... complete with a cake, candles, presents and surprises. Even a birthday song or 2 or 3! :-) So thanks for being a part of it! I love you!

A Christmas to remember...

2009-12-23T23:28:00.000-05:00

Merry Christmas

I hope that Santa is very good to all!

We have been very busy packing, moving and setting up house in our new home ~ it was officially ours on Tuesday... An awesome Christmas present!

This will also be the first holiday ever without my sister...

Definitely one to remember... bittersweet!

hysterical idiots...

2009-12-17T07:52:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen someone laugh so hard you thought they were going to hurt themselves? If you haven't then you should be in my living room when Michael and Logan watch the Trailer Park Boys...

Michael finds the humor in most things but when this show is on he takes it to a whole new level... he laughs so hard that i think he is going to fall out of the recliner... think about that... right out of the recliner... he beats his feet on the floor and throws his head back and claps his hands... if i am not in the room he calls out "Baby, you gotta come see this..." and then rewinds it and laughs just as hard the second time around...

Logan lays on the couch and slaps around just like Michael... they act like two idiots... if it wasn't so comical it would be disturbing...

I am not sure which is funnier, the show or Logan and Michael watching it... Morgan and I have decided that we need to video tape the two of them... here is a little sample of the things you can hear coming from my living room...

"Sam-squanch" "Get two birds stoned with one rock" "They do have good hoes" "Survival of the fitness" "Scrilla Villa" "We decided we gonna be co-daddy's" "We'll get an eternity test"

The neighbors are going to be so glad when we move...

December 17...

2009-12-14T14:43:00.000-05:00

Thursday is Tara's birthday... i am sure it would make her day much brighter to hear from you... if you would like to send her a card here is her address...

Tara Crawford

109 West Court Street

Woodstock, VA 22664

and please remember to send a little hug inside... i am sure she will need it...

A few things i have learned...

2009-12-12T23:17:00.001-05:00

Never ever think that what you do doesn't directly affect someone else... good or bad... there is always someone else that is touched by the things that you do... there is always a ripple effect to what we do... though i am certain that Tara thought her actions affected none but her, what she did has affected many and deeply affected those most innocent...

If you have to hide it or lie about it, you should not be doing it...

You never really know exactly what someone means to you until they are gone... whether that be for a short time or forever... we take many of our liberties for granted... i miss her the most when i need help for dinner and i can not call her to ask... silly but true...

It is the little things you miss the most and matter most...

The human touch is healing... a hug is very powerful and can refuel your soul...

You can be very angry with someone and still love them... this is the hardest lesson for me...

Time does not fly for a broken heart... and life does go on...

Tara's Thoughts - November 27, 2009

2009-12-12T14:20:00.000-05:00

This post is being published by me but these are the words from my sister, Tara.

Lessons Learned

Happy Thanksgiving! Sorry you haven't heard from me in a while. Things are good here. My holiday was good too. Obviously it would have been better not spent here but ironicly that is one of the things i'm thankful for.

I've decided that I was meant to be here for the time i am here. I was meant to meet these very people, during this very time, at this very place.

I've been here 12 weeks and in 12 weeks i've learned a lot about myself and the people around me. I just wonder what i'll know in 12 months.

First, it's nice to be somewhere where I am Tara. I am not Emmie's mom or Cate's mom or Charlie's wife or Betty's daughter or Holly's sister. I am Tara. All of these people (here and at work) (inmates and guards) met me and decided how they felt about me. Then I decided how much of me they should know.

I have learned not to be so quick to judge someone. You have NO idea who that person is or what kind of story they have.

I've learned that life is unfair! But it is how you deal with what is going on that matters.

I've learned that you can easily be a positive or negative influence on others without even knowing it. And I hope this whole situation influences my neices and nephews and my children dramatically so that they never end up here.

I've learned that I am WAY stronger than I ever knew.

I've learned that sometimes i'm not always right (that's a hard one to take). LOL!

I have learned that sometimes no matter what you say to someone you can not change their mind - even if they are wrong ~ :-)

I've remembered that i'm a hell of alot of fun!

I've learned to be nicer.

I have learned that even though you should speak your mind, there are times when it's better to be quiet.

I have learned (an I used to think this was corny) but if you just have a smile on your face you can help someone through a bad spot in their day without even knowing it.

I have learned not to give up. Fight hard for what you want.

There is actually a lot more things I could tell you about what i have learned but what is most important is that this time will not be wasted. Coming out of here i will be a stronger, smarter, better Tara. Then I can be a stronger, smarter, better mommy, wife, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend.

I wish you a Merry SITSmas!

2009-12-08T09:39:00.001-05:00

I wish you a Merry SITSmas,

I wish you a Merry SITSmaaassss...

and a Happy New Year!

(i am singing to you here... be thankful that you can't actually hear me ~ your imagination

is a much better singer than I)...

And because i am such a good singer, here's another little diddy for ya...

(in my very best B.B. King voice...)

Merry christmas SITSta's

Babe you sure can treat me nice

Yeah! merry merry merry christmas SITSta's

Babe you sure can treat me nice

Give me some comment bling for christmas

And I will live in paradise

Oh! I’m feeling mighty fine this morning

I’ve got good SITSta's on my bloggio

Hey baby, I’m feeling mighty fine

I’ve got good SITSta's on my bloggio

I would love to visit you now maybe

Leave comments beneath your mistletoe

(yeah i know that one is a little bit lame)

Santa came down the blogger

About half past three

Ate all the milk and cookies

None left for me

Merry merry merry SITSmas baby

Oh! you sure been good to me

I haven’t had a comment this mornin’ baby

But I’m all lit up like a christmas tree

Hey! merry merry merry SITSmas baby

I’ve got good SITSta's on my bloggio

I said, merry merry merry SITSmas baby

I’ve got good SITSta's on my bloggio

I would love to hug and kiss you baby

(in the most SITStaly way possible)

While you’re commenting on my bloggio!

Today i miss her...

2009-12-05T09:45:00.001-05:00

Tara called last night, she was a little bit down... she said she could hear the sounds of the Christmas parade outside... and my heart sank...

Today it is snowing and it is beautiful outside... Today i will go to my new house and clean and paint and get ready for this new chapter in my life... today she won't be there...

Today that little bit of angry that i carry around is gone...

Today i miss her... terribly...

Butt.....

2009-12-03T15:42:00.000-05:00

This morning i posted about my "junk in the trunk" and this afternoon my sister sent me an email... here it is...

Where does the time go?

Remember yesterday, dream about tomorrow,

but you better live for today!

How quickly the years pass.

Remember when i said i was looking for the miracle cure... i think she sent it to me with this email... i need to dust off my walking shoes and grab a water bottle and hit the track... I was going to wait for the New Year... guess i should try for today!!!

Is it just me?

2009-12-03T12:12:00.000-05:00

For those of you who have seen more of me than my profile picture, you know that i carry a bit of "junk in my trunk"... usually i don't have a problem with being a fat-bottom girl, however, losing my job in May has turned me into a bit of a couch potato and i am beginning to look like i traded the trunk for the entire rear end of the car... so i set out to do what i do best and look for a miracle cure on the web... see i could have just got up from the couch and went for a walk but that would require a little too much effort... anyway, i am getting way off point here... my point is that i have heard a little bit of buzz about the Kardashian sisters weight loss by using QuickTrim... if it can help one fat-bottom girl, it can certainly help another... so i visited their official website....

Ok, please remember here that i am about 30 pounds overweight and the whole junk in the trunk thing...

We all know that Kim is widely recognized for the size of her bottom... and these girls are beautiful... and i commend the fact that they have been proud of their figures (even before the QuickTrim)... and the fact that Kim is against the whole photoshop concept... but... i do not find this picture of her flattering... and i am shocked that they choose this particular photo of her to advertise their product...

So, is it just me? i am being too critical? shouldn't i, as someone who can relate to the big butt, be proud of her? i don't know... maybe i am disappointed because the main reason i was looking was to find something to help me lose my butt... and this was the first picture i saw... maybe i am jealous, not sure...

what do you think?

Sound of Madness...

2009-12-01T13:04:00.000-05:00

There is someone in my life that is a tortured soul, i am going to call this person "J"... J is someone that i love very much, however, J goes out of their way to make things harder on theirself... i spent some time with J recently and left shaking my head and asking "why?"... "why make life harder?" "why pretend?" "why not do what you know is the right thing to do?" "why not take the steps to make your life better?"... J quite often has this effect on me...

J has all the tools available to change things and yet does not... always falls right back into the pattern that they are comfortable with... Is this a learned behavior? is it laziness? is it the drama they are addicted to? How old do you have to be before you learn that you are responsible for your own fate?

We all have problems, but we don't all hide from them and act like they don't exist and then self-implode... Life is hard, why do we make it harder on ourselves?

Anyway, after spending time with J, I got into the car and this was the song that was playing...

Sound of Madness

by Shinedown

Yeah, I get it, you're an outcast

Always under attack, always coming in last

Bringing up the past, no one owes you anything

I think you need a shotgun blast, a kick in the ass

So paranoid, watch your back

Oh my, here we go

Another lose cannon gone bi-polar

Slipped down, couldn't get much lower

Quicksand's got no sense of humor

I'm still laughing like hell

You think that by crying to me

Looking so sorry that I'm gonna believe

You've been infected by a social disease

Well, then take your medicine

I created the sound of madness, wrote the book on pain

Somehow I'm still here to explain

That the darkest hour never comes in the night

You can sleep with a gun

When you gonna wake up and fight for yourself?

I'm so sick of this tombstone mentality

If there's an afterlife then it'll set you free

But I'm not gonna part the seas

You're a self-fulfilling prophecy

Coincidental?? Isn't it funny how life works?? Maybe i just think about stuff too much... :-)

To tree or not to tree...

2009-11-28T15:28:00.003-05:00

With the scheduled closing of our new home being on the 21st of this month the topic of conversation has been whether or not to put up Christmas decorations... as the kids want to be in the new house by Christmas we decided we were not going to put a full size tree... we pondered whether to put one up at all until we get moved in but that would mean that we wouldn't have a Christmas tree almost until Christmas Eve... that didn't work for me... we LOVE Christmas in this house ~ the decorations, the shopping, the baking, the wrapping, the craziness of house hopping... we love it all...

Yesterday, as Moe and I were Black Friday shopping, we stopped by the grocery store and they had the cutest little tabletop fresh cut trees for sale (already in the stand and all)... we had to have one... we picked up a few packs of whimsical ornaments and some beads to match and then stopped by Rite Aid and got some blanket snow and a fun Santa Hat... It was not such a good idea to buy the tree already in the stand as it is leaning so bad that we had to prop it up on one side to get it to look halfway right (it still leans toward Keckley)...

This little tree is just the right size to pick up and move to the new house... a much better idea than Michael's which was to put up the full size tree and then have Logan stand on the back of a pickup with it as we move it to the new house... now that would have been a Kodak moment!

"Gee, do they still make wooden Christmas trees?"
"This little green one here seems to need a home."
"I don't know, Charlie Brown. Remember what Lucy said?
This doesn't seem to fit the modern spirit."
"I don't care. We'll decorate it and it'll be just right for our play.
Besides, I think it needs me."

Intertwined and twisted... Wreaths

2009-11-28T14:35:00.000-05:00

This morning we attended a wreath making class at the local nursery, Natural Art Garden Center. We spent about two hours making fresh wreaths for the holidays. I am keeping mine ~ it is already on my front door, Morgan is giving hers as a gift to her Grandma Millie... My mom who is very crafty by nature and makes all sorts of wreaths from the artificial, pre-made stuff attended with us... she liked it so much that she is planning to sneak into all her neighbors yards to cut down their winter trees so she can start making real ones...

It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.

W.T. Ellis

The hunt is over...

2009-11-24T22:00:00.000-05:00

We have received the final approval on our offer for our new home... grateful is not strong enough of a word for how i am feeling... we are moving from a 1200 square foot three bedroom townhouse to a 3700 square foot 4 bedroom house... our closing date is December 21... not sure how i am feeling about that... the kids all want to be in for Christmas... that will be a challenge but also a wonderful Christmas present!

How Do You Live Your Dash?

2009-11-19T08:57:00.000-05:00

To say that life throws you curve balls sometimes has been an understatement this year... i have come to learn that it is all in how you handle those curves that matters... we can't change things beyond our control ~ we can't save those who don't want to be saved ~ we can't wish things better ~ we have to learn to let go ~ and most importantly is that it is all about perspective and relativeness...

I came across this poem on a day when i was pretty down and though it may be a bit corny i think it is very profound... i have said before that one of the other things i have learned is that life gives you what you need exactly when you need it and this day i think i needed to read this... the events that have affected me recently have not touched just my life... they have touched many... and many of those read my blog and i hope that this poem has the same effect on you that it did me... i am going to work on my dash...

How Do You Live Your Dash

by Linda Ellis

I read of a man who stood to speak

At the funeral of a friend

He referred to the dates on her tombstone

From the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came her date of birth

And spoke the following date with tears,

But he said what mattered most of all

Was the dash between those years. (1934 -1998)

For that dash represents all the time

That she spent alive on earth…

And now only those who loved her

Know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own;

The cars…the house…the cash,

What matters is how we live and love

And how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard…

Are there things you’d like to change?

For you never know how much time is left,

That can still be rearranged.

If we could just slow down enough

To consider what’s true and real,

And always try to understand

The way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger,

And show appreciation more

And love the people in our lives

Like we’ve never loved before.

If we treat each other with respect,

And more often wear a smile..

Remembering that this special dash

Might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy’s being read

With your life’s actions to rehash…

Would you be proud of the things they say

About how you spent your dash?

Wordless Wednesday - My Early Christmas Present

2009-11-18T21:53:00.000-05:00

A custom piece created just for me...

it will hang over my fireplace in my living room...

I am so excited about it that i had to share...

from the creative soul of Laura at EarthArt

Champions at heart...

2009-11-16T13:07:00.002-05:00

The practices started way back in August... summer's sleeping-in-til-noon's were given up, muscles she didn't know she had were strained, 6 day's a week of practice... in the weeks before competitions started their practices were two hours before school and two hours after school... 5:30 mornings and 6:00 evenings, straight home to do hours of homework and then off to bed to start over again the next day... total commitment!

My daughter is a cheerleader... an athlete... she has been a member of a competition cheer team that is not affiliated with the school for two years and this year she decided she was going to try-out for the high school team... Strasburg cheerleaders brought home the winning trophy and title of State Champs last year and she wanted to be a part of it...

These girls are amazing... the amount of dedication they give to the team is unbelievable... i have seen tears of strength, exhaustion, pain, and drive... i have seen them walk off the mat and collapse on the floor, chests heaving only to get back up and do it one more time... striving for perfection...

They won their regional meet, came in third at districts and placed second at States... they didn't bring home the title again this year, however, to say these girls are not champions would be insulting... i am so very proud of them, of my daughter... proud to be a supporting part of this extraordinary group of girls...

Moe got ready for school this morning... no morning practice, no plans for evening transportation, no pony-tail and Sofie's, no gym bag... and with no feeling of defeat or disappointment... she threw on her State Championship tie-dyed t-shirt and off she went... proud of what they accomplished...

they are determined, fighting, strong, female athletes... champions at heart...

“I have been wounded but not yet slain.
I shall lie here and bleed awhile.
Then I shall rise and fight again.

The title of champion may from time to time fall
to others more than ourselves.

But the heart, the spirit, and the soul of champions
remains in Strasburg.”

borrowed and tweaked from Vince Lombardi

Never to old...

2009-11-06T09:41:00.000-05:00

I am not sure how old my Dad is, to me he has no age... but i am 38 so that will give you a general idea... my Dad drives a dump-truck, owns a Kabota tractor, and likes to be outside... a country boy at heart... some of us have parents that are pretty savy with all the electronic gadgets and keep on top of the newest trends... this is not my Dad...

But just like any man, my Dad loves a new toy... Daddy has had a cell phone for some time now but just recently my teenage sisters taught my Dad to text... and i am thinking he really enjoys it...

Last night he called me to ask why Moe wasn't answering her phone ~ he had sent her a few messages during the day but she had left her phone at home and wasn't receiving his text messages... so funny...

This morning i received my first text message from my Daddy... "Good morning holly have a good day love ya"... my heart is smiling... what an awesome way to start the day...

My Dad has learned to text.... and i love it!

A new favorite...

2009-11-03T12:24:00.000-05:00

If you know me, you know that i LOVE, LOVE guacamole... at the grocery store i found these amazing pieces of deliciousness... if you love guacamole you definitely have to try these...

Too old for Trick or Treating, however...

2009-11-02T08:47:00.000-05:00

At 15 my daughter is past the trick or treating stage, however she was all over the costume party she was invited to Saturday Night... she was an "altered" version of Raggedy Ann and her friend, Toni, was Little Red Riding Hood... at this age it is all about being "noticed"... she wasn't over the top so i was ok with this one..

"Begin with today"

2009-10-29T23:24:00.002-04:00

I wrote a letter to my sister today to remind her of all that she is... beautiful, caring, giving, smart, vibrant, funny... i also told her that wonderful things were waiting for her in life and that she needed to get ready for those things...

As I was reading through a blog this evening i came across a post that struck me and i wanted to share it... it was a story written in 55 words that was about healing... a woman sat down and asked "Where should i begin?" and the reply was "Begin with today"... and i thought of my sister...

Tara will start her life over in a few months... and as she steps back into her life i know her well enough to know that she will ask the same thing...

"Where do i begin" and i hope to be beside her saying "Begin with today"

No yesterdays are ever wasted for those who
give themselves to today.
~ Brendan Francis

Tara's Thoughts - October 27

2009-10-29T22:44:00.000-04:00

This post is being published by me but these are the words from my sister, Tara.

Just A Hello!

Hey All! Haven't blogged in a while. It's weird to say I've been busy but I guess I have. Work is good. Time is passing fast - yet not fast enough. Still waiting for a reply from the judge. Keep your fingers crossed - only one set as Granny would say. :-) Thanks for writing to the judge if you have. Maybe if we are persistant enough...

There are 14 women in here again - really crowded! It's making me a bit claustrophobic. All in all things are good. I'm keeping my head up and getting through one day at a time. 6 1/2 weeks down!!

Semi-Wordless Wednesday

2009-10-28T23:59:00.000-04:00

What I Have Been Up To...

Thursday ~ Logan's 18th Birthday (the better part of it)

Kasey made him a pumpkin pie - his wish lasted two minutes, literally

Friday ~ The girls were in a beauty pageant - they didn't take home
the crowns but they are always beautiful in my eyes...

Me and My Pretty, Emmie

Cate-R-Bug

and Eli too!

Saturday ~ Homecoming

Logan and Morgan

Sunday ~ Corn Maize

Monday ~ Bull Run District Cheer Championships ~ WE WON!!!

Moe is last one on the right, first row

Wednesday - Pumpkin Carving with the family

Tippy's ~ Mine

Justin's ~ Michael's ~ Logan's

Moe was too tired to finish hers... maybe tomorrow

A few bumps but for the most part a very enjoyable past few days!

OMG, when does it end? REALLY....

2009-10-22T18:35:00.001-04:00

am i the only one in this world that has a crazy life... cause right now it seems to me that this is true...

today is my son's 18th birthday... WOO HOO you say... he is finally an adult you say... you are no longer legally responsible for him you say... WRONG...

not only is today Logan's birthday but today was also Logan's court date for possessing alcohol on school grounds... very LONG story that i don't have the energy to get into...

court was scheduled at 2:30... we arrive at 2:30 exactly because we were held up by not one but two construction projects on our way... as it turned out there was absolutely no reason to be in a hurry because as we opened the door into the hot, stuffy 20 foot long, 8 foot wide holding area we were greeted with almost 100 people who were also waiting to have a visit with the judge...

so we stuffed ourselves onto a bench in the back corner and waited... and waited... and waited... i am NOT a patient person so i asked the lady beside me what time her court session was assigned ~ 2:00... so i sat and steamed and waited... and waited... at 2:50 i made my way through the coughing, sneezing, sniffling group of juveniles and their parents to the clerk and asked "are you all running behind?"... duh... "yes mam, they are just now calling the 1:30 appointments in..." ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME... "can we please go outside and sit until its time?" "i don't call court outside, i call it in here"... WELL ALRIGHTY THEN...

at 3:45 we are finally called into the court room... and the humiliation begins... i am allowed to stand beside my son in the court room... i am thinking this is for moral support... again, WRONG... as i listen to my son plead his case (and he doesn't have one) my thoughts are focused on "please don't let them take away his license, please don't let them take away his license"... he was wrong but this will just mean more work for me... oh, little did i know..

the ever so clever judge goes through a rambling on of analogies about life and finally decides it is time to deliver his sentence to my son... my thinking now switches to "thank you, this is finally going to be over"... and again, OH, HOW WRONG I AM...

Logan's sentence is as follows: he lost his license until April 22, 2010, he is on probation until April 22, 2010 and he must serve 24 hours of community service at Shenandoah County's finest landfill due to be completed by April 22, 2010...

and then.... the judge looks at me... i have had many thoughts and ideas over the years as to how we would celebrate Logan's birthday... this was not what i had in mind... i have been an active, fighting, determined parent in Logan's life.. the only parent in Logan's life for many years now... i am used to struggling for him, along with him through many battles... but i wasn't ready for what the judge had to say to me...

"find your work boots and grab a pair of gloves and have yourself some good conversations with your son because there is a parental component that goes along with this and you will also be serving 24 hours of community service at the landfill with him"

"any questions"

WHAT... i have to serve time along with him... WHAT... is this a joke... did i hear him right?... ME?... seriously?... any questions?... if you could get in my head right now you would send me away to the crazy house and not the landfill...

and so i am back to the fact that today is my son's 18th birthday... WOO HOO you say... he is finally an adult you say... you are no longer legally responsible for him you say... WRONG...

see you at the landfill...

my life is changing...

2009-10-22T09:33:00.002-04:00

ever stepped on an ant hill and watched the ants run wild trying to put things back in place? (that is bad isn't it... we used to do it as kids)... anyway, if you have then that is what my mind would look like if you could put it into animation...

if you have been following you know that this has not been my year... i am unemployed (not by choice) ~ we were building a home and now we are not, the house hunt is back on ~ and that my sister made some extremely bad decisions and is gone from her children and the family for a year... doesn't that seem like enough stress for one person?

i guess not...

my life, as i knew it, is about to change... i am returning to full-time, hands-on, parenting... not that i haven't been a full-time, hands-on parent these past few years but anyone who is a parent knows that as your children get older (mine are 15 and 18) that they need you less and less... your children become more independent... i don't need to remind them to brush their teeth or take a bath, i don't have the pleasure of picking out their clothes, they tell me what their plans are for the evening... at 15 and 18 the only thing i am pretty much needed for is clean clothes, transportation and money...

but anyway, my life is changing... Michael's son Justin, who has lived with his mother since the divorce, is going through a pretty rough time of his own and it was decided that his father's presense was needed on a full-time basis and so he is coming to live with us...

i am a child of divorce and both my mother and my step-mother are excellent examples of step-parenting... my mother inherited three children and my step-mother two... my step-mother, Molly, has always made us feel at home and treated us just as her own... course, I never cause Molly any trouble so that may be why we have such a good relationship... ;-) and the fact that I was 16 when my parents divorced and out on my own before Molly ever came into my life... Justin is 10 years old and struggling...

for as much as i love Michael, and i do think he is pretty great, we have different parenting styles... i have tried to be patient and tolerate of these differences over the years because ultimately, Justin is not my child... and Justin did not live with us on a full-time basis... but i am not a person who does well when things are not in my control...

i have no idea how this is all going to turn out and maybe i am putting the cart before the horse but i can't help but to be terrified of this situation... my hope is that Michael and I walk away from this with a much stronger relationship, that our children walk away not wanting to hurt each other, and that Justin finds some balance in his life...

there was so much more on my mind as i was writing this... the backspace button is no longer functioning... i typed and then deleted and then typed and then deleted... writing really is my therapy...

this entire year i have tried to live by the motto of "it will all be alright in the end"... and at the end of this post... the ants are passed out and have thrown the flag of surrender...

i hope they are drunk or tired and not plotting revenge...

Not to be...

2009-10-16T22:01:00.001-04:00

How many red flags do you need in order to realize that things are not as they should be?... i am a firm believer that the universe gives us signs and that we absolutely should pay attention to them...

The contract for our dream home was signed on May 2... we were to close Sept 30... I can not count the number of "next week" comments we received regarding when the starting date would be... October came and still no progress... the heavy feeling that something just wasn't right got worse and when the week came were "next week" finally turned to "tomorrow" the weather turned to RAIN, RAIN, RAIN, RAIN...

When i expressed my concerns about the weather i received a not-so-nice email response.... seriously, what else needs to happen before we finally decide that this is just not to be... so a hard decision was made and we have decided that the house in Bentonville was not the dream we had in mind and asked to be released from our contract.

So, once again, the hunt begins... we spent all day looking at potential homes with our realtor... we have narrowed it down to three... they are definitely not the dream home we had our hearts set on but maybe that is not a bad thing... maybe we were needing to look at this differently... maybe it's not a "dream" home that we need, maybe we just need a home where we can fulfill our dreams...

Every house where love abides

And friendship is a guest,

Is surely home, and home sweet home

For there the heart can rest.

~Henry Van Dyke

Tara's Thoughts - October 8

2009-10-13T14:06:00.000-04:00

This post is being published by me but these are the words from my sister, Tara.

Crash Into Me

Hasn't been much to report lately. Until now... coming home from work last night we were in a minor car crash. We were going straight through the intersection at Sheetz and a woman ran her stoplight and hit us almost broadside. She hit the front end (on my side) of the car I was in and drove us across 2 lanes of traffic and we were looking straight at the Rite Aid. Neither us nor the lady in the other car were hurt. I was very lucky. Had she been even a second later I would most likely have been hurt really bad. The impact would have been directly at my door. They did have to pry my door open to get me out and it totalled Miss Debbie's car (my driver) but besides being covered in my fountain Pepsi I was okay.

The deputy came to pick me up and although i had avoided it so far, i got my ride in the police car. I asked if we could turn on the blue lights and drive real fast but he said he thought I'd had enough excitement for one day! :-)

"next week" has now become "tomorrow"

2009-10-12T10:06:00.003-04:00

I was told that getting the Health Department to issue permits to disturb ground was the thing that was holding up progress on our house...

it has been about 6 weeks of 'next week' until last week...

The permits were issued last week and i was told that we would be starting soon... so i emailed on Sunday to see just exactly when "soon" would be... this morning i got a reply that simply said...

"Tomorrow or Wednesday!!!"

so "next week" has now become "tomorrow"

guess that is progress... we will see what 'tomorrow' brings...

A Funny from Logan

2009-10-09T08:00:00.001-04:00

Mom, did you hear about the parrot who had sex...

He got chirpies and they were untweetable...

:-)

Please buy me a Picasso

2009-10-07T21:18:00.001-04:00

Today the Tiffany's catalog came...

So i emailed Michael to tell him that if he just happened to find $500 lying around that he might want to spend it on this... :-)

He didn't find the $500, nor does he expect to find it in the future...

But if you, my blogger visitors, would like to buy me one we can just consider it a late birthday present... :-)

A True Survivor

2009-10-06T11:10:00.000-04:00

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month

I am dedicating this month to one of the strongest women i have had the privilege of knowing...

Aunt Jeannette

Aunt Jeannette used to own and run the White Star Restaurant... when i was little there were a few things that were constant in my life... the White Star was one of them...

The White Star was more than just a restaurant for me... it was my first job, it was where i went when there was no place else to go, it was where i could always get something to eat, it was where i woke up in the morning when my mother was working ~ either laying on two chairs pushed together behind the table in the kitchen or on the seat of the back booth, it was Pert and Tame, baby aspirin and Pepto Bismol, it was candy bars and pop... it was home... and essentially Aunt Jeannette was the White Star... she took care of me, of all of us, for many, many years... even through her battle with cancer...

Though i was very young when she was diagnosed with breast cancer, i remember... i remember her having the most beautiful long dark hair and i remember that she lost her hair and i have the most vivid memory of her proudly wearing a red bandana... i also remember that it wasn't long until she had beautiful hair again, her wig... i remember what she looked like with out her "fake boob" in and her laughing about it... and how she never acted like she was a victim...

I remember that she had to wear gloves and a tobbogan whenever she was going to be somewhere cold (like the freezers or walk-in) because her fingers would turn blue... i am not sure what that was from or if it was directly or indirectly caused by the cancer but i remember that it always scared me ... as a child i didn't understand what cancer was and i related her blue fingers to the cancer... i could never SEE her cancer but i could see her fingers turning blue... that for me was her cancer...

I remember that for as serious as breast cancer was all those years ago (and i know it was over 30) that i never feared that she would die... i never got that from her... I also remember not understanding why she had cancer... it was puzzling to me... why her? and i don't ever remember her actually being sick... i am sure there were times when it got her down, but i never saw that side of it... what i got was that she was going to be ok no matter what it took and i can remember thinking how strong she was...

I was awed by her as a child... you both loved and feared her... she held all the cards to what you wanted... quarters for the pinball machine and the jukebox (but only after we had swept the sidewalk or swatted a few flies... you had to work for your money), a candy bar from behind the counter,chocolate milk from the cooler... as a teenager i still feared her ~ she was my paycheck and the one person i could count on to give it to me straight, no sugar coating... and as an adult i am very thankful for her... i admire her... i respect her...

There have been many things that she has given to me over the years... birthday cards full of confetti (she never, ever, ever misses my birthday), christmas cards that snowed, santa clauses, memories, Dutchie... and these are all really cool things but they are not what's important... what is important is that she is still here and that i still, after all these years, see her as a strong, independent woman... i never have any doubts about who she is or what she can accomplish... she is Momma Nette, Granny Nette, Aunt Nette, Jeannette, Mom... but the most important title that she holds is survivor...

it could have beaten her... but it didn't... and it never had a chance...

click, click, click the pink ribbon on the right

My pretty!

2009-10-01T16:26:00.001-04:00

"Love stretches your heart and makes you big inside"

Tara Thoughts - September 25

2009-10-01T14:52:00.001-04:00

This post is being published by me but these are the words from my sister, Tara.

I haven't blogged in a few days so I thought i would catch you up.

First of all, my job is good. It really makes the day go by faster when i work. Miss Connie (the boss) said i was doing really well. I know i'm going to like it.

Thanks for all the mail. I can't tell you how much it means to me. They call me the mail-ho around here. LOL! I know i've said this before but getting mail makes my day and keeps me close to all of you.

I'm trying to make the most of this but let me tell you - it's extremely difficult. It's the saddest place i've ever seen. Almost everyone is here because of an initial drug violation. They stick you in here and give you no tools to help you overcome whatever it was that you were doing to get here. So then you end up right back here because of a probation violation. All i can say is Thank God i can see this.

So many of the girls here can't wait to get home so they can get high or drunk. I can't wait to get home so I can get back to my life, kiss my babies, and be the mommy that God intended me to be.

Does this count as progress?

2009-09-29T17:54:00.000-04:00

They have painted my boundary trees.... HOT PINK...

Looking forward to "next week".... uugghhhh.....

Here's your sign....

2009-09-27T15:04:00.000-04:00

I had my very first "Here's Your Sign" moment this weekend...

My family and I had a yard sale this weekend. We rented the Bingo shelter in town and set out early Friday morning at 6:30am to get ready. We had many, many totes and cardboard boxes full of valuable bargains ~ almost 10 picnic tables full of treasures... and a local man walked up to me and said... are you ready...

"Ya'll settin' up here today?"

ok, am i on camera here... are we secretly videoing a segment for the next Blue Collar Comedy Tour? where is Bill Engvall?... this man did not really ask me that question...

I wasn't witty enough to come up with a good reply... my reply was just a sarcastic "No" while shaking my head...

I am not sure that this man would have appreciated anything witty anyway, but Bill Engvall might... so, what would your reply have been?

From Tara

2009-09-27T11:58:00.000-04:00

This is being published by me but this post is from my sister, Tara.

One night I had a dream. It left a tale to tell

I dreamed I saw an angel, and she wasn’t looking well

Her body was bruised and battered, her wings were ripped and torn

I saw she could barely walk, she was tired, her hope was worn.

I walked right up and asked her, "Angel, how could this be?"

She tried to smile as she gathered her thoughts then she said these words to me.

"I am your guardian angel, a giant task as you can see

You have lived a wild life, with that you must agree

You’ve broken laws, you’ve broken hearts, this you have done to me.

The drugs you used so dangerously, I often paid the bill

These bruises are from shielding you, in times of dire ill

My wings you see are ripped and torn, a noble badge I bear

So many times I’ve shielded you, from perils unaware

Each mark has it's own story, of deadly wounds destroyed

You've made me wish more times than one, that I was unemployed

If only you could make it, standing on your own

but please don't fret or worry, you are never left alone

I am here to watch over you, until my powers fail

But always try to remember, I am getting old and frail"

When I awoke I thought about my dream, how much she seemed to care

Then I looked around my prison cell and my heart sank in despair

My life is behind these prison walls, I wondered "Why I should even try?"

Then, distantly, I thought I heard

A Frail Old Angel Cry

My thoughts - I am going to refer back to my posted words of wisdom ~ However many holy words you read, However many you speak, What good will they do you if you do not act on upon them? I do not believe in a fate that falls on people however they act; but I do believe in a fate that falls on them unless they act. And i hope she realizes that she has left more than her "guardian angel" ripped and torn...

Again, may we ALL learn something from this situation...

Tara Thoughts - Sept 20

2009-09-22T16:03:00.000-04:00

This post is being published by me but these are the words from my sister, Tara.

The Hook-Up

Meals here at SCJ are believe it or not... pretty good. Breakfast is served at about 6:30am so i skip that meal and stay asleep. Lunch is around 11am and dinner around 4pm, so by late evening you are wanting a snack.

If dinner wasn't all that satisfying then you have to come up with something creative to eat. A favorite here is what they've named "the hook-up"... you make oodle of noodles, crush up crunchy cheese curls, add chicken and jalapenos and a little bit of mayo (all things you buy from your account in the jail ~ the canteen). After this sits a few minutes you put some on a soft tortilla and there you have it, "The Hook-Up."

I turned my nose up too at first but actually its good :-). I'm good at throwing things together and making something delicious so I'm excited to see what i can come up with...

Secrets...

2009-09-22T09:11:00.002-04:00

I have had two separate, unrelated conversations this past week about how we perceive other peoples lives.

The first conversation was about how we meet someone and think to ourselves "she has really got it all together" and then the more time we spend with that person we realize that they are just as messed up as the rest of us... they just put on a better facade...

The second was how we put ourselves out to other people... and how we are ashamed of something about ourselves that many other people suffer with also... and how we go to great lengths to hide it...

I try to read other people’s blogs and today I clicked on a link to a blog that I thought was very profound... and I wanted to share it with you...

We all have things that we hide... it is very interesting when you see just how disturbed people really are...

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Are we building a house???

2009-09-21T01:03:00.002-04:00

This week they are "supposed" to be starting our house... we signed a contract in May and the house was to be completed by Sept. 30th.

A friend advised me to be patient as this would be a very stressful time for us... i didn't believe him...

In order to qualify for the 8K federal tax credit we have to close on the house by November 23rd.

They have yet to cut one tree...

Does anyone have a nerve pill?

My 15 minute visitation...

2009-09-19T16:34:00.000-04:00

I saw my sister today...

she looks better than i had expected her to... she was very excited to see us... Moe went in with me...

it was not a tramatic event and other than not being able to physically touch her i felt very close to her...

she said the mail is a very big deal... they all look forward to it... she asked that if you write to her to please write your address on the letter as they take the envelopes from her and if the return address is not on the actual letter she can not write back to you... and to not put stickers on the letter because they will take the stickers off... bet they had a fun time with my last letter as i covered it with stickers...

she starts work on Monday at 1:00 and she is VERY excited about that...

today is good....

Tara's Thoughts - Thursday Sept 17

2009-09-19T14:44:00.002-04:00

This post is being published by me but these are the words from my sister, Tara.

Just a Hello!

Hey everyone! I wish I was home with all of you. Thanks for the mail and keep it coming. If you haven't sent me mail yet... do it! LOL! Mail is an exciting part of the day here. Holly asked me if when i go to work if the jail packs my meals or do I get to eat the restaurant food. Well, thank goodness, I get to eat at work! and i can't wait! :-)

Keep praying for me and know that I am okay. I asked God to send Angels to be with the kids while I can't be and I know that he did. So with that I can focus on doing what it takes to get home.

I love you all and I can't wait to hear from you.

Tara's Thoughts - Wednesday Sept 16

2009-09-19T14:33:00.003-04:00

This post is being published by me but these are the words from my sister, Tara.

Today we had a lady from the local church come for bible study. Even though i believe in God and I've never had a doubt i would go to heaven I felt the need to ask God to save me. I know the bible says I am forgiven but i have a hard time forgiving myself. For being here, for all the time spent away from my family, for not being the wife I promised God I would be, for not being the daughter, sister, aunt, friend, family member I should have been. And most of all for letting my kids down and definitely not being the mommy i should have been. And for my actions I will not be able to be their mommy for the next 10 1/2 months. So if i can't forgive myself how can i ask God to forgive me? Can my children forgive me? Can my family forgive me? These are things I have to work on within my own mind and heart.

After the church lady was gone I was left wondering what to do with all my guilt and questions. I called Mom and asked her to call the Faith Mission pastor and see if he would come see me at some point. Faith Mission is the last church Charlie and I attended with our children but I haven't been there in four or five months. To my very pleasant surprise Jim (the pastor) shows up today! He must have came right here right here after talking to Mom.

He brought me a Women's Devotional bible, prayer, and a lot of hope for my future. For everyone's future. I couldn't tell him how much it meant that he was here but I tried. He was the light of my day - one that was turned on by that nice church lady - one that won't go out because now, more than ever, I'm sure I have God on my side.

Tara's Thoughts - Tuesday Sept 15

2009-09-19T14:33:00.000-04:00

This post is being published by me but these are the words from my sister, Tara.

Good way to start the day...

So I'm sleeping on the top bunk, which is a disaster waiting to happen since I'm so clumsy anyway. This top bunk situation is not by my choice but the good news is that on October 7 i'll get to move down. My "room"mate is going home.

Anyway, they do headcount around 6am for which you have to be out of bed. They come around the corner and give us a few seconds warning. I jump up and try to get down quickly because i'm the fourth name on the list. Well, I think you can probably guess what happened next. Yes, I fell off the bed. Not so gracefully either I might add. I landed smack on my butt and the male guard who is taking headcount can't even ask if i'm alright because he's doubled over in laughter. I end up with a hurt thumb but all in all i'm okay.

I love this man...

2009-09-19T10:45:00.002-04:00

This week has been really rough for me... i am a fixer... when something is wrong, i fix it... this situation with my sister and her children has put me in a position where i cannot fix it... it is beyond me...

So, as i said, this week has been rough... i haven't slept in three days... my mind is on overload... i feel defeated...

Now let me get to the point of this post... Michael is my fiance and we are building a house which is to be complete in November (or so i hear)... and i love Lowe's... i can spend hours in this store... Michael on the other hand doesn't like to spend hours in Lowe's... we go in get what we need and are gone... he doesn't like to look at every decorative handle in the hardware aisle and he is not interested in the 137 different shades of red in the paint section... but i am... on his days off he will ask me "what do you want to do today" and my response will excitedly be "wanna go to Lowe's?"... and then he feels defeated...

So... yesterday was Michael's day off... Michael is very supportive... he has listened when i needed to talk, he has been strong when i needed a shoulder and he has been the voice of reason when it was needed... but he hasn't been able to pull me out of my funk... until yesterday...

Yesterday morning he said to me... "wanna go to Lowe's"... and surprisingly enough, i wasn't thrilled about the idea... i didn't want to get off the couch... i didn't want to take a much needed shower... i didn't want to get dressed and act like i wasn't feeling this deep sadness... but i needed to and he knew it... and he was trying to fix it the best way he knew how...

Showered and shined off to Lowe's we went... for as much as i love this store i wasn't excited about being there... but as we meandered through the garden stuff, he playfully nudged me... and through the appliances he hugged me... in the middle aisle he kissed my forehead... and through the cleaning aisle he made me laugh and by the time we left the store i was feeling much better than i had in days...

we spent over an hour in Lowe's... everytime i asked if he was ready to leave there was something else that he wanted to look at... appliances, faucets, cabinets, sinks, tubs, chainsaws, grills, lawnmowers, ceiling fans... when he finally got a smile on my face he was ready to go... and so was i...

i am very fortunate to have this man in my life...

Tara's Thoughts - Day 2

2009-09-18T16:08:00.002-04:00

This post is being published by me but these are the words from my sister, Tara.

DOING TIME...

I have a whole different opinion of what that means. In the Shenandoah County jail that is all there is to do. 1/2 hour on Mondays they go to the gym, 1/2 hour on Tuesdays they go to the library, 1/2 hour on Thursday they go to the gym again and Fridays there is an hour long group session. Out of 168 hours in the week only 2 1/2 are spent out of this pod. Which is made up of 12 beds, 2 in each 6 rooms, and a bigger room with a table and a TV. Therefore all these 15 (yes, its a bit overcrowded) women have to do is time.

It's time for headcount, it's time for breakfast, it's time for lunch, it's time for dinner, it's time for bed. That's about it. It's a sad existence for someone who is spending "time" here.

I am so very thankfu for my job. To get out of here several days a week and work will be what keeps me from being a clock-watcher. And being a clock-watcher, I am almost certain, would make you go crazy!

My thoughts ~ i found it very interesting while typing this that she referred to everything as if she wasn't there... "they go" and "these women"... is that a coping mechanism?

Tara's Thoughts - Day 1

2009-09-18T15:56:00.000-04:00

This post is being published by me but these are the words from my sister, Tara.

I guess God knew I needed the strength to get through this day. I hope he gives me the strength to get through the rest of them.

I honestly did good with the goodbyes and I did good with surrendering myself to this place but actually being here makes it real and right now reality sucks. I know it would make everyone feel better to think I'm doing great and that this is like a vacation at the Holiday Inn but I'm going to be honest and say it's definitely not like that.

Mostly I'm sad. I'm sad for my children that i left them behind, I'm sad for my family and I'm sad for myself. The best thing I can say is that I have one day behind me and I think each day will get easier.

The righteous cry, and the Lord heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. Psalm 34:17

Just exactly when it was needed....

2009-09-15T10:07:00.007-04:00

We are a family that sits down together to eat dinner... my children look forward to it... we have good converstaions at the dinner table and it is a time that we all know we can be together and share... even if the only thing being shared that night is the dinner, we are still sharing...

Michael works late into the evening and we don't usally sit down until 8:30 or 9... last night he was going to be later than normal so we decided to go ahead without him...

Last night's dinner conversation went like this... (we were talking about dating and homecoming... i will pick up at the good stuff)...

Logan: Do you think we are going to bring home little "mistakes?"

Morgan: Like us... we are both mistakes

Me: You were not mistakes, you just weren't planned

Logan: Which means we were mistakes (my heart is hurting a little bit at this point because i don't want my children to think they were mistakes...)

Me: You were NOT mistakes, i don't regret having either one of you... i just would have had you later on in life...

Morgan: Then we wouldn't be the same as we are now

Me: Well, maybe...

Morgan: No, really... we wouldn't be the same

Me: But you would have had a better life... maybe you would both have the same daddy and we would still be together as a family... (notice how Logan has shown that he is truly a man in this conversation because he quits offering up any emotions here)

Morgan: But then we wouldn't have Mike

Me: Well maybe it would have turned out that Mike would have been your daddy

Morgan: But i like my Daddy. I wouldn't want to give him up.

Me: But you don't see your daddy that much and wouldn't it be nice if you could have grown up in the same house with him and we could have still been a family?

Morgan: (i am saving her response until the end)

With the last statement from my daughter that specific topic of conversation was over... at least it was for my kids... but for me i will replay it over and over again...

For years i have struggled with the fact that my kids don't have the same father... that i have drug them from school to school, town to town while i was trying to figure out my life... i have thought about what they have given up and how they have sacrificed for my happiness...

I have always tried to do what was best for my children and to be the best mother i could be... but i have always carried around a certain amount of guilt... you just don't ever know if you have done enough and you hope that you haven't messed them up too bad... i have only ever wanted to give them a normal life to the best of my abilities...

I have come to believe that life gives you what you need, takes you where you need to be and, in time, answers your most profound questions... and those times have always found me when i wasn't looking for them... i believe the universe just knows...

Today my heart is smiling...

Morgan: "I like my life Mommy... i wouldn't want to change it"

Unconscious Therapy

2009-09-13T11:41:00.008-04:00

I spoke with Tara once yesterday during her processing and then she tried to call me late last night and because i have a cell phone it wouldn't go through... she then called my Dad... he said she was having a little bit of a rough time... so i went online and setup the PayTel account so that she could call if she needed to...

Then i spoke with Emmie who was having a REALLY rough time and i told her to call whenever she needed me...

...this morning I woke up with my phone in my hand... guess i held it all night long...

Tara

2009-09-12T15:52:00.005-04:00

2:00 has come and gone... the tears have been shed... and life goes on...

Tara was allowed two phones calls while she was being processed... she called and said that everything was fine and she was ok... she also asked that i post the information needed for communication with her...

To send her a letter:

Tara Crawford
109 West Court Street
Woodstock, VA 22664

Along with your letter, you may send her 5 extra blank sheets of paper for her to write back to you ~ no stamps, no envelopes... update ~ she said that they don't open her letters unless they are suspicious so you can send stamps to her so that she won't have to buy them.. if this changes i will let you know... and this has changed... they open her letters in front of her and only allow her to have the letters so don't send stamps or envelopes...

For her to call you:

Call 1-800-729-8355 or visit http://www.paytel.com/
Follow the instructions and set up an account and pin
Minimum deposit is $25 with a $3 processing fee

$25 will get her three 10 minute phone calls to you... she can call as often as she wants as long as there is money in that specific account... each phone number requires a different account so we can't all share the same account...

To visit:

She is allowed 15 minutes of visitation per week... Because her visitation time is limited the first priority will be the kids... If there is a week that i know the kids will not be visiting I will post it...

Please check in often for updates from Tara... i will be posting them as she sends them to me...

I hope that we all walk away from this situation stronger and wiser...

What I learned from the "sex talk"...

2009-09-11T12:19:00.006-04:00

So, i had the "sex talk" with my son last night... I didn't plan it out or rehearse it... it wasn't uncomfortable... it was, surprisingly, a good conversation...

"May you learn as much from your children as they do from you"
Though Logan was the one to be taking the lesson here, i think it was just as beneficial to me... here is what i learned...

1 - There is not much that Logan won't talk about... he is very open and honest, sometimes to a fault... i already knew this but this conversation drove it home...

2 - At 18, you can still bond with your child... not sure why, but i thought those days were over... really happy they are not...

3 - The sex talk doesn't involve details of the act (or at least it didn't with Logan)... this conversation was more about responsibility and the lack of...

4 - My son is more responsible than i give him credit for...

5 - I need to talk to my kids more... i probably let opportunities for conversation pass me by all the time...

6 - Timing really is everything... Recently, a TV commercial said "Talk to you kids about sex"... Morgan was sitting next to me on the couch... "Moe, do you want to talk about sex?"... You would have thought i asked her to eat bugs... Guess the timing wasn't right for her...

And, most importantly...

7 - I am not ready to be a grandmother... I haven't mastered the mommy thing yet...
really... not ready...

My Sister's Incarceration

2009-09-05T23:50:00.005-04:00

My sister, Tara, will be going away for a year... on September 12 at 2:00pm she will surrender herself to the Shenandoah County District Jailhouse where she will be spending the next twelve months...

"She received a six-year prison sentence for conspiracy to manufacture meth, according to court records. Five of those years were suspended, and Crawford will serve the year in a local jail rather than state prison."

I have always had preconceived ideas about what kind of people get involved in these kind of things... and Tara, in no way, fits my stereotype...

And while i do not believe that Tara has in any way been victimized by the judicial system, i do believe that this sentence is an unfair one... not for her but for her children... (that is a whole different post that i can't find the strength to get through)...

Tara is not a drug-dealer, nor is she a junkie... she is very private about what happened during this time in her life and to be honest, i don't want to know any more than what was revealed at her trial...

This next week will be spent preparing her children for the cruel reality of what is to come... preparing herself for that same reality... and many, many tears...

We are not losing our sister, my parents aren't losing their daughter, and her children aren't losing their mother... however, there is an overwhelming sense of loss that consumes us all...

So we will wake-up Saturday morning, gather as family, cry, hug, and cry again... and deliver her to this next chapter in her life...

Tara will be sharing her experience via this blogspot... she will mail me her daily journal and i will post it for her...

"Life is a journey, not a destination"... maybe her's is one that we will all learn from...

My Cheerleader

2009-09-04T10:42:00.006-04:00

It has been an intersting and surprising transformation that my daughter has gone through these past two years... she has gone from being a get out of bed at noon, still grumbling, lay on the couch, homebody to a 7AM alarm clock, no fuss, 6 day a week, dedicated athlete.

Morgan has never been a girly-girl and has never tried to be anything more than just exactly who she is... she is confident when she wears blue, orange and red together... bites her nails... is comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt... and plays football in the backyard...

you wouldn't look at Morgan and peg her as a cheerleader...

until she hits the floor...

She has been actively participating in competition cheerleading for a year and half and on competition days she becomes a hairbowed, glittered attitude in a short skirt.

Tonight is her first high school event as a Varsity cheerleader... she will get dressed in her purple and white uniform, tie her hair in a bow, check her attitude, take her place on the sideline and forgo the glitter... tonight she won't need it... tonight she will shine from the Friday Night Lights...

Let's Go Moe!!!

Today is a special day ~

2009-09-01T14:54:00.004-04:00

Today is my granny's birthday ~ she has been gone from this world for 19 years but never gone my heart. Happy Birthday Granny! You are loved much and missed greatly!!!

Cannons Cate

2009-08-28T11:32:00.003-04:00

My little Caterbug was the most excited beach-goer of us all. For weeks before our trip all she did was chant this little diddy "I'm going to the beach...I'm going to the beach...I'm going to the beach" over and over. She even had a little dance to go with it. She had never been to the ocean. I'm now wondering if she will ever want to go back. She didn't think much of the waves that she constantly had to run from because they chased her. She didn't like the morning that she was awaken at 5am to pick seashells from the beach. She definitely didn't like getting knocked down and drug under the water by the massive wave she couldn't run from that morning. She didn't like the rash she got from the ocean and kept all week. She doesn't like the ear infection she has from the salt water getting in her ear. Are we seeing a pattern? But she sure liked being Cannons Cate on the Pirate Adventure. This is a ship where the kids get to dress like pirates, or mermaids, and go on the sea to find the sunken treasure and fight the bad smelly pirates with their water cannons. They get name tags with their pirate names and Cannons Cate stuck hers right to her leg...where it stayed for about 3 days because she still wanted to be Cannons Cate. I guess all in all she kept good spirits with all her adventures...even the bad ones. I just wonder if she will ever do that little song and dance again.

Cynicism....

2009-08-28T11:20:00.003-04:00

For years my mother has said to me, “Holly Ann, you are so cynical.”

My mother (or Betty as I like to call her) and I don’t have a loving, call everyday, your-my-best-friend kind of relationship… and while I am sure she is trying to be helpful by pointing out the flaws in my character, it usually just pisses me off… so in turn, I have to be helpful and offer up my advice to her “Whatever Betty, then don’t talk to me..”

I have always known that cynical is not a good thing but I was never really certain of its exact meaning nor had I ever cared… But there was something about the last time she said it to me that made me stop and think to myself “what the hell does that even mean? I am so cynical…” so I looked it up…

Cynical:
• Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base
or selfish concerns; skeptical of the motives of others
• Selfishly or callously calculating
• Negative or pessimistic, as from world-weariness
• Expressing jaded or scornful skepticism

Geez Betty, am I really that depressing? All this time I thought I was really good at being a smart-ass… obviously she just doesn’t appreciate my sarcasm…

Though my mother and I don't have the perfect relationship i have learned alot from her over the years... so... i will put my smart-ass attitude aside for this one and just let her be right...

Maybe I am cynical… Maybe I don’t see the world through rose colored glasses… and maybe my days aren’t all sunshine and smiles… maybe I am not a trusting person and I question everything around me… and maybe, just maybe life taught me to be this way…

“Cynicism is an unpleasant way of telling the truth.” Lillian Hellman

"The Mess" is on vacation...

2009-08-20T22:59:00.007-04:00

Manteo, NC

We were night hunting for crabs - they were running everywhere...

Cate wouldn't put her foot in the picture - she did not like it....

and neither did he....

My new favorite grocery store....

2009-08-12T13:54:00.008-04:00

ALDI

I have to say that i was a little skeptical at first as i am not a big fan of generic brands... but i liked the idea of saving money and the green concept... so i braved it and bought enough to get me through one dinner... i now do all my grocery shopping at ALDI...

Go with an open mind and take your own grocery bags (i just pick empty boxes throughout the store and fill them as i go)... and a quarter ~ you insert a quarter to release a cart... when you return the cart, you get your quarter back... and they don't take checks...

Try these:
Protein energy bars are delicious and only $0.95
Salmon Fillets - 4 fillets - $3.99 (so good grilled)

I had to go back in and edit this post to add this because i think

it is just that good... if you are a fan of Italian or Vinaigrette

dressings you gotta try the

Grandessa Tomato Bacon Vinaigrette Dressing

Good deals:
Eggs - $0.49 dozen
2% milk - $2.31 gallon
Cereal (all the kid favorites) - $1.69 a box

Be careful of the pre-packaged vegetables, if you don't use them immediately (that day) they go bad... all produce tends to be on the very ripe side...

Here is a link to the store locator... This place is definitely worth it... let me know what you think...

http://www.aldifoods.com/us/html/service/store_locator_ENU_HTML.htm?WT.z_src=main

Boobs, Defined...

2009-08-12T11:51:00.008-04:00

Wonder ~ that which arouses awe, astonishment, surprise, or admiration

I was leaning over the banister of my porch… arms crossed, tank top… nothing special about the day just taking in a few moments of sunshine, checking out the flowers in my garden… that’s when it happened… wonder defined... and I smiled… “Man, my boobs look good!”

And then I stood up…

Letdown - A decrease, decline, or relaxation, as of effort or energy

And though I wanted to refer to letdown as the disappointment I felt when my girls fell back to their au naturel state, I think Webster’s definition is more fitting…

Sigh….

Acceptance, Accept ~ To endure resignedly or patiently

I am woman and I am stubborn… I will not go down without a fight… to hell with Newton and his laws…

Support ~ To hold in position so as to keep from falling, sinking, or slipping; To keep from weakening or failing; strengthen; To endure; tolerate

They say there is an 8th wonder of the world… and I’m taking my girls to the mall to find it… there will be no secrets here… I plan on arousing awe and astonishment all over the place…

Wonder ~ An event inexplicable by the laws of nature; a miracle; A monumental human creation regarded with awe!

my record

2009-08-12T11:16:00.003-04:00

I've been meaning to share this story for a while...

For Christmas my husband bought me a vintage-type radio with the CD and record player. I was soooo excited. I have many hand me down records and I remember when I was little I used to put them on and dance and sing as loud as I could. It was one of my favorite things to do. The next time I was at my mom's I dug this box of records out from a closet, dusted them off, and packed them up. All I could talk about was how the kids were gonna love using the record player, I mean how could they not, right? When we got home and I started playing songs to them (which I am proud to say that I remembered every word of every song) they just sat there like 'Is she serious?'. Well I was serious, very serious. I was having a childhood flashback that I was certain would entertain my children, and husband, for a good part of the day. After about 10 minutes of having 3 pairs of eyes staring at me like I was certainly out of my mind I told them they didn't have to listen anymore. I was still sure they would insist that they were having a great time. Wrong. They were gone before I even got the words out. I resorted to putting my new radio in my bedroom and listening to my records by myself. I will say that I still dance and sing as loud as I can when I play them.

Treasures found...

2009-08-10T10:27:00.003-04:00

I have been blessed (or had the misfortune, depending on the day you ask me) with being a part of a blended family. I have one full sister, two half-sisters, two step-sisters, and a step-brother. My step-sisters, Sherry and Laura, are the daughters of my mother’s second husband, yet they are not full sisters… and that has really nothing to do with what I am trying to convey.. but I had to throw it in because it just adds to the “blending”

Anyway… Sherry and I have been friends since kindergarten and our parents married when we were teenagers… we have been family for 20+ years and for 20+ years Sherry has referred to Laura as “My Sister”… “I have to call My Sister” “I am going to My Sister’s” “My Sister called and said…”

I think Sherry may be a bit territorial… :-)

This past Saturday was the infamous Rt. 11 Crawl… literally miles of yard sales… and Laura and I took in all the festivities… life doesn’t often give me the opportunity to spend much time with Sherry’s sister, so I was excited that we had made plans to spend the day together….

We started at 7:30 that morning and finally got back to my house around 6:00 that evening… many deals later… we had the 4-runner packed down with a rocking chair, a small toilet paper cabinet, a garden hose winder/wheeled thingy, a weed-eater, clothes, corn, books, jewelry, a jack-o-lantern, baby toys, gardening tools, bottles, and pageant gowns…

During the craziness of the day, Laura laughed and said to me “I bet you are going to blog about this”… my response “I don’t ever know what I am going to write about… it is usually just whatever is on my mind…”

And so the yard sale adventure was on my mind… but not in the way that I think she was referring… it was a crazy, fun day… but the thing that kept coming back to me wasn’t the deals made… it is that I thoroughly enjoyed spending the day with her… my sister, Laura!

Tara

2009-08-09T00:50:00.003-04:00

I just wanted to put a little something of myself here. I am a 27 year old mommy of 3. I'm in a place in my life that not many people (thank goodness) will face. Starting September 12th I will be spending the next 12 months in the Shendoah County Jail. Most likely if you are reading this you already know why. I plan to blog during my year long journey-journey being a nice word for it-and have Holly post my thoughts. I know everyone has a certain way they feel about what is going on and I thought I would let you know how I feel. I know without a doubt that somehow something good will come of what is my future. Actually, as bad as it seems-it will be what I need to help me make the positive changes my life has been craving.